Comparison jokes

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

What are the similarities between an emo and some Christmas lights?

They are both going to be hanging from a tree.

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

what's the difference between a baby and an onion?

I cry when I chop up an onion.

I wasn’t staring, I was just trying to figure out if that was your hairline or the Great Wall of China.

It's said Duracell batteries are supposed to last 75 years, well Stephen, here you are.

The broccoli says, "I look like a small tree." The mushroom says, "I look like an umbrella." The walnut says, "I look like a brain." And the banana says, "Can we please change the subject?"

Your hairline is more bent than James Charles' gender.

What's bigger than the Milky Way?

Michael Jackson's nose.

The twin towers are like my parents, only one came back.

(This is a fucked up pick up line). Are you a building? Because I rate you 9/11.

What is the difference between butter and a blonde? - Butter is difficult to spread.

What is the difference between a sloth and a depressed kid? A sloth doesn't need a rope to hang.

You wanna know what's the difference between a girl and a refrigerator? "A refrigerator doesn't moan when I put my meat in it."

What is the difference between a coconut and your ex?

One is fun to knock down by throwing rocks at, the other one is a coconut.

Yo momma so fat, her belt size is E for Equator.

People are like potatoes.

We may look different, but we all taste the same with a little ketchup.

Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up.

9/11 was like the 4th of July. It was very bright in the skies.

You're so flat, you make pancakes look thiccc.