Comparison jokes
What's the difference between your girlfriend and sister? Nothing if you're from Alabama.
Orphan boy: "Your dad is probably disappointed in you. I mean, look at you."
Me: "Well, at least my parents kept me. Where are yours?"
Average Kid: brings mp3 to school.
Rich Kid: Brings mp4 to school.
Quiet Kid: Brings an mp5.
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?
At least one does something when it is triggered.
A fat man meets a skinny man.
The fat man tells the skinny man: "When people look at you, they think the world's starving to death."
And the skinny man responds: "When they look at you, they know why."
Roses are red. Violets are blue. When I'm taking out the trash, I remember you.
What do a crippled person's legs and the Twin Towers have in common? They both went down and never came back up.
What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he's hooked up to? The computer runs.
If I wanted to kill myself, I would just climb up your ego and jump down to your IQ.
I like my women like my cigars: smuggled in from Cuba in a sack.
What is the difference between a gay man and a fridge? A fridge doesn't moan when you put meat in it.
What’s the difference between an emo and grass? The grass doesn’t cut itself :D
What do milk and Make-A-Wish kids have in common? They both have expiration dates.
What's the difference between an emo kid and a pack of Oreos? The bar code on the emo kid gets longer every day.
Life is like a dick, it just gets hard for no reason.
All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.
After all, it's not like Donald Trump could write a book.
What is the difference between McDonald's and 9/11?
McDonald's has a drive-through. Twin Towers has a fly-through.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag? One's made of plastic and dangerous for kids to play with, and the other carries groceries.
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.