Comparison jokes
Orphan boy: "Your dad is probably disappointed in you. I mean, look at you."
Me: "Well, at least my parents kept me. Where are yours?"
What's the difference between your jokes and your penis? Nobody laughs at your jokes.
What's the difference between your girlfriend and sister? Nothing if you're from Alabama.
Average Kid: brings mp3 to school.
Rich Kid: Brings mp4 to school.
Quiet Kid: Brings an mp5.
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?
At least one does something when it is triggered.
Memes
I'm a mushroom and I hate this game.
What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.
A fat man meets a skinny man.
The fat man tells the skinny man: "When people look at you, they think the world's starving to death."
And the skinny man responds: "When they look at you, they know why."
Roses are red. Violets are blue. When I'm taking out the trash, I remember you.
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he's hooked up to? The computer runs.
What do a crippled person's legs and the Twin Towers have in common? They both went down and never came back up.
If I wanted to kill myself, I would just climb up your ego and jump down to your IQ.
I like my women like my cigars: smuggled in from Cuba in a sack.
What’s the difference between an emo and grass? The grass doesn’t cut itself :D
What is the difference between a gay man and a fridge? A fridge doesn't moan when you put meat in it.
What's the difference between an emo kid and a pack of Oreos? The bar code on the emo kid gets longer every day.
What do milk and Make-A-Wish kids have in common? They both have expiration dates.
Life is like a dick, it just gets hard for no reason.
What is the difference between McDonald's and 9/11?
McDonald's has a drive-through. Twin Towers has a fly-through.
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag? One's made of plastic and dangerous for kids to play with, and the other carries groceries.