Comparison jokes
What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?
One says, "God is my father." The other says, "Who's the father and who is my son?"
Water was found on Mars.
Mars: 1 Africa: 0
Mom: Clean your room! Me: No, it’s my room, and I don’t want to clean it. Mom: You are nothing like Mrs. Smith’s daughter. Me: Well, I’m not Mrs. Smith’s daughter now, am I? You are the worst. Why are you trying to compare me with Mrs. Smith’s daughter? I’m not her, OK? I am not her, so stop! Mom: Do you know what? I pushed you out of my hula for 43 minutes! Do not make me hate you, because guess what? I brought you into the world, and I can take you out of it! Me: Bro.
She asked me if I was hung like a horse, but I said no.
I'm hung like a person who wants to die, but then the rope broke.
Americans leave without saying goodbye.
Russians say goodbye without leaving.
What do you call a white person having a seizure?
A saltshaker.
What does a woman and a hurricane have in common?
They’re nice and wet at first, but in the end they take everything.
Apparently there was a woman from Australia who had sex with 500 men in one day.
That's like a real life "Your mom" joke.
Obese is the N-word for fat people.
What do women and pools have in common?
They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.
What's the difference between a baby and a cooked chicken?
Several hundred calories.
Q. What's the difference between Trump and a piece of shit? A. Shit isn't orange.
Q: What's the difference between a CEO and a beer can?
A: Beer cans don't bleed when they get shot.
Bro, you can't be talking. You built like Barney the dinosaur. Barney is a dinosaur with dinosaur sensation.
Roses are red. Sunflowers are yellow.
Your mom is so fat she looks like a marshmallow.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I thought someone else was ugly, but then I saw you.
Jokes are like Indians.
They never die, they just get reincarnated.
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to stupid people. You're much worse than that.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I thought Voldemort was ugly, then I saw you.
Roses are red, violets are blue, you have a big forehead, and your hairline recedes too.