Christmas jokes
A 10 year old girl lays in her bed and excitedly waits for Santa to come. When Santa eventually comes she giggles, shivers, and orgasms.
Finally, as a special thank you, she sucks off Santa’s wet cock.
Q: What kind of Christmas music do elves like?
A: “Wrap” music.
What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?
Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas? Cancer.
Why did Santa go to work? Because he was just trying out the work! 😂😂
If things don't get better, the Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging.
Stories like Rudolph and Wonder show that different means worse.
Why is Santa always a b*tch, calling people names like, "Hoe, hoe, hoe?"
Where’s the best place to put a Christmas tree?
In between Christmas two and Christmas four. 😉😂😂
What does the blind, deaf child get for Christmas?
Cancer.
Why was Stephen Hawking disappointed when he got his Christmas present? It was singing lessons.
Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of working girls. Call girls. Hookers. Prostitutes. And the association is a long one, going back to the very earliest legends which place St. Nick as a Greek bishop in Myra, Lycia in what is now the Turkish Mediterranean - three centuries after Christ.
Saint Nicholas is notable primarily for giving secretly to the poor, and supposedly the first to benefit were three young ladies whose poor father couldn't afford wedding or dowry to marry them off - destining them instead to a life of prostitution. St. Nick supposedly threw a bag of gold through the window to pay for the wedding but, by the third attempt, the poor father was watching to determine the identity of the anonymous benefactor. Santa outsmarted him by dropping the last bag of coins down the chimney.
So, whenever you see Santa, he always travels with his three favourite sex workers - who seemingly never grow old. On a quiet, still Christmas night you can even hear him call them.
Ho! Ho! Ho! And to all a good night.
It’s Christmas and Sally has a gift. She got a Barrie. Just kidding, she still hasn’t opened it.
There's a white guy, black guy, and Santa Claus. They get a hotel room.
White guy goes in room first and sees money on the table and he picks it up. A ghost appears and says, "Put down my money or I'll cut off your weiner." He gets scared and jumps out the window.
Black guy goes in the room, sees the money and picks it up. Ghost appears and says, "Put down my money or I'll cut off you're weiner." He gets scared and jumps out the window.
Santa Claus goes in the room sees the money and picks it up. Ghost appears, "Put down my money or I'll cut off you're weiner." Santa Claus looks at the ghost and says "I'm the ghost of Christmas past, you touch my dick I'll kick your ass!"
Last Christmas was awesome, the whole family came.
What is a dog with only two legs? A human.
"I wish I was either Christmas lights or a mistletoe."
"Why?"
"Because I want to hang!"
What does a terrorist get for Christmas?
A C4.
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.