Christmas jokes
What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?
I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.
"What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?"
"Claustrophobic!"
My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
Magician: "I am the greatest magician in the whole world. Look, now you see the rabbit in the hat, and now it is gone!"
Redneck girl: "That's nothing. My dad is the greatest magician! He disappears for a whole year and reappears at Christmas for a couple of hours!"
What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
"You gotta bleed before you teeth."
- Santa Claus
Why can’t orphans celebrate Christmas?
Because they have no family.
What's the difference between family and cats...
Cats won't abuse you at Christmas.
My dad told me Santa was black, so instead of cookies and milk waiting for him when he came down the chimney, he got cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
Yo mama so ugly, when Santa saw her, he said, "Ho, ho, hole shit!"
How do you know if a snowman is a girl or a boy?
A: Snowballs.
What pizza 🍕 do you order for Christmas?
Cheeses Crust!
Three Things I Want For Christmas From Santa:
1. A Lambo
2. A House
3. UR MOM
Santa's sack is big because he only comes once a year, but his sack is SO BIG after containing the lovely eggnog he has that those weigh the sleigh.
He never had kids because he comes in the chimney.
What did the orphan want for Christmas?
Parents.
What do Christmas decorations and dead people have in common?
They both hang from a tree!
What do a priest and Christmas tree lights have in common?
They can both flash.
What’s the difference between Santa and my dad?
Santa got the milk.
What did the blind kid say after receiving a cheese grater for Christmas?
"This is the most violent book I’ve ever read."