Christmas jokes
Steven Hawking was so excited for Christmas till he realized he got socks.
Magician: "I am the greatest magician in the whole world. Look, now you see the rabbit in the hat, and now it is gone!"
Redneck girl: "That's nothing. My dad is the greatest magician! He disappears for a whole year and reappears at Christmas for a couple of hours!"
What did Santa give the mute, blind, quadriplegic orphan at Christmas?
Chlamydia.
Why are Christmas trees banned at the mental hospital?
They would hang themselves like ornaments.
If Bruce Willis (the guy in the Christmas movie Die Hard) dies of a Viagra overdose, would that mean he truly dies hard?
"Jiggle balls, jiggle balls, jiggle all the way."
"Dr. Squatch will heal the itch, and know it goes away, hey!"
"You gotta bleed before you teeth."
- Santa Claus
Why can’t orphans celebrate Christmas?
Because they have no family.
What's the difference between family and cats...
Cats won't abuse you at Christmas.
Yo mama so ugly, when Santa saw her, he said, "Ho, ho, hole shit!"
My dad told me Santa was black, so instead of cookies and milk waiting for him when he came down the chimney, he got cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
What did the blind kid say after receiving a cheese grater for Christmas?
"This is the most violent book I’ve ever read."
How do you know if a snowman is a girl or a boy?
A: Snowballs.
Three Things I Want For Christmas From Santa:
1. A Lambo
2. A House
3. UR MOM
Santa's sack is big because he only comes once a year, but his sack is SO BIG after containing the lovely eggnog he has that those weigh the sleigh.
He never had kids because he comes in the chimney.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where the naughty girls live!
What do a priest and Christmas tree lights have in common?
They can both flash.
What pizza 🍕 do you order for Christmas?
Cheeses Crust!
What do Christmas decorations and dead people have in common?
They both hang from a tree!
What did the orphan want for Christmas?
Parents.