Christmas jokes
What did Santa give the mute, blind, quadriplegic orphan at Christmas?
Chlamydia.
If Bruce Willis (the guy in the Christmas movie Die Hard) dies of a Viagra overdose, would that mean he truly dies hard?
I made an advent calendar for a Jehovah’s Witness.
Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.
What does Santa say to 3 girls in a row?
HO HO HO
"What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?"
"Claustrophobic!"
A 10 year old girl lays in her bed and excitedly waits for Santa to come. When Santa eventually comes she giggles, shivers, and orgasms.
Finally, as a special thank you, she sucks off Santa’s wet cock.
"You gotta bleed before you teeth."
- Santa Claus
Why can’t orphans celebrate Christmas?
Because they have no family.
What's the difference between family and cats...
Cats won't abuse you at Christmas.
My dad told me Santa was black, so instead of cookies and milk waiting for him when he came down the chimney, he got cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
What’s the difference between Santa and my dad?
Santa got the milk.
What did the blind kid say after receiving a cheese grater for Christmas?
"This is the most violent book I’ve ever read."
Santa's sack is big because he only comes once a year, but his sack is SO BIG after containing the lovely eggnog he has that those weigh the sleigh.
He never had kids because he comes in the chimney.
Three Things I Want For Christmas From Santa:
1. A Lambo
2. A House
3. UR MOM
What pizza 🍕 do you order for Christmas?
Cheeses Crust!
What do Christmas decorations and dead people have in common?
They both hang from a tree!
What do a priest and Christmas tree lights have in common?
They can both flash.
What did the orphan want for Christmas?
Parents.
How do you know if a snowman is a girl or a boy?
A: Snowballs.
Brrr, it's fucking cold outside, aye? What do you guys want for Christmas? A sweet video game? Maybe a cool action figure? Oh, how about the latest phone!
Who me? Oh, I guess... I wish snow could melt as fast as the snowflakes that downvote good jokes! Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!