Christmas jokes
What’s the difference between Santa and my dad?
Santa got the milk.
Brrr, it's fucking cold outside, aye? What do you guys want for Christmas? A sweet video game? Maybe a cool action figure? Oh, how about the latest phone!
Who me? Oh, I guess... I wish snow could melt as fast as the snowflakes that downvote good jokes! Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!
What do Christmas lights and Jeffrey Epstein have in common?
They don’t hang themselves.
What's Michael Jackson got in common with Santa?
They both empty their sacks around children.
Joe Momma so fat when Santa came down the chimney he said, "Ho, ho, holy crap!"
If your parents ever accuse you of lying... Say, "You're the one who told me about Santa Claus!"
In the new Grinch, the Whos would say he stole Christmas, "Get him!" Then the Grinch said, "I'm an orphan!" That changes everything. The Whos said, "What would they do if Max was an orphan?"
What is a dog that is Christmas?
A Christmas tree dog!
What might an aborted child want for Christmas?
..... a home that isn't a bin.
What is the true meaning of Christmas?
Stealing presents from orphans - a quote by Technoblade.
Why is Michael Jackson on the naughty list this year?
Because he sexually kids 😂
One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.
Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"
"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"
"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."
Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."
Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"
Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."
Man: "Okay. Let's do it."
So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.
After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"
Man: "I am 35 years old."
Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"
Santa Claus walks up to three little girls and says, "Ho, ho, ho!"
What do you call a green boner? The Grinch.
Why did Helen Keller have no ornaments on her Christmas tree?
'Cause she always dropped them.
Santa gives a boy a bike and a soccer ball for Christmas. This upsets the boy. Why?
Answer: He has no legs. The boy has no legs.
What do you call the day before Christmas Eve? Christmas Adam.
Why did the little boy fall off the swing? Because he had no arms or legs.
What did the little boy get for Christmas? Cancer.
Why did the little boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
Knock knock.....Who’s there... Not the little boy.
Yo mama so short, she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work!
Why does the emo hate Christmas?
The ornaments get hanged, and they don't.