Christmas jokes
This year I'm going to name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse, because when it dies it will leave needles all over the living room.
What do you call a person who's afraid of Santa?
Klaustrophobic.
Why did Santa stop at three ho's?
Ms. Claus caught him.
What do you call an elf that sings? A Wrapper.
Santa decided coal was too expensive, so he started putting shredded lettuce and mayo in naughty kid's lockers... he calls it the coal's law.
Why do Chinese people hate Christmas? Because they make the toys.
How come Christmas is one time? Because it is so nice!
What's the difference between family and cats...
Cats won't abuse you at Christmas.
What would an orphan ask for Christmas?
"A someone."
Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words. His response was, "Ho ho ho."
What do you call a green boner? The Grinch.
What is a dog that is Christmas?
A Christmas tree dog!
My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.
I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"
Yo mama is so old that her first Christmas was the first Christmas!
What do gay people get for Christmas?
Discrimination.
Little Timmy is hanging out with Rapunzel, and he mentions Hugo and a few other characters from Varian And The Seven Kingdoms, and she responds with, “Who the frick are you talking about? Since I don’t know them, I got a surprise for you!” She wraps him up in Christmas wrapping paper labeled "For Eugene."
What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
It's Christmas morning, and all the decorations are done, but the tree looks like it's missing something. *grabs the noose*
"I wish I was either Christmas lights or a mistletoe."
"Why?"
"Because I want to hang!"
What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?
Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.