Christmas jokes
Dad: Hey son, do you like Christmas?
12 year old me: Yeah!
Dad: Well, how would you feel about two?
Me: What?
My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.
What do you call a winter time contact?
A Santa Claus.
If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.
What did the blind kid get for Christmas? He hasn’t seen it yet... What did the kids with no arms get? He doesn’t know, he’s still trying to figure out how to open it. :))))
What does the child with no hands get for Christmas? Unknown. He hasn't opened it yet.
What does a homeless man in New York get for Christmas? Hypothermia.
What did the little girl with no arms get for Christmas?
I don't know, she's still trying to open it...
What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?
When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.
Yo mama so ugly, that when Santa came down the chimney he said, "Ho, ho- HOLY SHIT!"
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
Last Christmas, I took a picture of your mom.
It's still printing.
Why do Emos love Christmas? So they can pretend they're ornaments and hang themselves on trees. Hope you liked it, happy holidays!
Ever wondered why Chinese kids don’t believe in Santa?
They made the toys.
You know how in the movie, "Nightmare Before Christmas," they say they're making Christmas?
I thought Mary and Joseph did, but okay.
What did your mom get for Christmas?
A big black horse dildo.
Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"
Who comes once a year and makes your kids cry?
Rapey Santa.
One day every kid at the orphanage got coal for Christmas. It was the second worst day of their lives.
What did the cow say to his relatives on Christmas day?
Moorry Christmas!
(Even though cows can't really have religions.)