Christmas jokes
What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?
When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.
What do you give a armless kid for Christmas?
Nothing because they can't open the gift.
Magician: "I am the greatest magician in the whole world. Look, now you see the rabbit in the hat, and now it is gone!"
Redneck girl: "That's nothing. My dad is the greatest magician! He disappears for a whole year and reappears at Christmas for a couple of hours!"
Stories like Rudolph and Wonder show that different means worse.
If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.
Memes
Two gays are getting ready for Christmas... They are expecting a big package in the mail!
Why are Christmas trees banned at the mental hospital?
They would hang themselves like ornaments.
Steven Hawking was so excited for Christmas till he realized he got socks.
What did Santa give the mute, blind, quadriplegic orphan at Christmas?
Chlamydia.
If Bruce Willis (the guy in the Christmas movie Die Hard) dies of a Viagra overdose, would that mean he truly dies hard?
"Jiggle balls, jiggle balls, jiggle all the way."
"Dr. Squatch will heal the itch, and know it goes away, hey!"
What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?
I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.
"What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?"
"Claustrophobic!"
What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
What does Santa say to 3 girls in a row?
HO HO HO
Why did Santa stop at three ho's?
Ms. Claus caught him.
I made an advent calendar for a Jehovah’s Witness.
Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.
"You gotta bleed before you teeth."
- Santa Claus