Christmas

Christmas jokes

Grandma

What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?

When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.

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  • Kid

    What do you give a armless kid for Christmas?

    Nothing because they can't open the gift.

    Magician

    Magician: "I am the greatest magician in the whole world. Look, now you see the rabbit in the hat, and now it is gone!"

    Redneck girl: "That's nothing. My dad is the greatest magician! He disappears for a whole year and reappears at Christmas for a couple of hours!"

    Bf

    If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.

    Package

    Two gays are getting ready for Christmas... They are expecting a big package in the mail!

    Sock

    Steven Hawking was so excited for Christmas till he realized he got socks.

    Orphan

    What did Santa give the mute, blind, quadriplegic orphan at Christmas?

    Chlamydia.

    Die Hard

    If Bruce Willis (the guy in the Christmas movie Die Hard) dies of a Viagra overdose, would that mean he truly dies hard?

    Way

    "Jiggle balls, jiggle balls, jiggle all the way."

    "Dr. Squatch will heal the itch, and know it goes away, hey!"

    Animal

    What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?

    I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.

    Santa Claus

    What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

    They both come while you’re asleep.

    Santa Claus

    When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

    Son

    My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

    Door

    I made an advent calendar for a Jehovah’s Witness.

    Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.