Christmas jokes
Your mama is so fat, the photo I took of her last Christmas is still printing.
Q: What kind of Christmas music do elves like?
A: “Wrap” music.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Answer: cancer.
You know how in the movie, "Nightmare Before Christmas," they say they're making Christmas?
I thought Mary and Joseph did, but okay.
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
Joe Mama so fat that when Santa came to our house he said, "Ho ho HOLY SHIT, she damn thick."
What did the blind man say on Christmas?
"I can feel your presents!"
Last Christmas, I took a picture of your mom.
It's still printing.
What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?
When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.
What do you give a armless kid for Christmas?
Nothing because they can't open the gift.
A 10 year old girl lays in her bed and excitedly waits for Santa to come. When Santa eventually comes she giggles, shivers, and orgasms.
Finally, as a special thank you, she sucks off Santa’s wet cock.
If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.
Two gays are getting ready for Christmas... They are expecting a big package in the mail!
What did Santa give the mute, blind, quadriplegic orphan at Christmas?
Chlamydia.
Steven Hawking was so excited for Christmas till he realized he got socks.
Why are Christmas trees banned at the mental hospital?
They would hang themselves like ornaments.
If Bruce Willis (the guy in the Christmas movie Die Hard) dies of a Viagra overdose, would that mean he truly dies hard?
"Jiggle balls, jiggle balls, jiggle all the way."
"Dr. Squatch will heal the itch, and know it goes away, hey!"
I made an advent calendar for a Jehovah’s Witness.
Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.
What does Santa say to 3 girls in a row?
HO HO HO