What do you give a armless kid for Christmas?
Nothing because they can't open the gift.
Magician: "I am the greatest magician in the whole world. Look, now you see the rabbit in the hat, and now it is gone!"
Redneck girl: "That's nothing. My dad is the greatest magician! He disappears for a whole year and reappears at Christmas for a couple of hours!"
Stories like Rudolph and Wonder show that different means worse.
If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.
Two gays are getting ready for Christmas... They are expecting a big package in the mail!
Why are Christmas trees banned at the mental hospital?
They would hang themselves like ornaments.
Steven Hawking was so excited for Christmas till he realized he got socks.
What did Santa give the mute, blind, quadriplegic orphan at Christmas?
Chlamydia.
If Bruce Willis (the guy in the Christmas movie Die Hard) dies of a Viagra overdose, would that mean he truly dies hard?
"Jiggle balls, jiggle balls, jiggle all the way."
"Dr. Squatch will heal the itch, and know it goes away, hey!"
What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?
I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.
"What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?"
"Claustrophobic!"
What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
What does Santa say to 3 girls in a row?
HO HO HO
A 10 year old girl lays in her bed and excitedly waits for Santa to come. When Santa eventually comes she giggles, shivers, and orgasms.
Finally, as a special thank you, she sucks off Santa’s wet cock.
"You gotta bleed before you teeth."
- Santa Claus
Why did Helen Keller have no ornaments on her Christmas tree?
'Cause she always dropped them.
Why can’t orphans celebrate Christmas?
Because they have no family.
