Christmas jokes
On Christmas, Mexicans wake up in the morning, then take a nap.
Joking, I know they work hard. They run all the way to the border to decorate the barbed wire.
My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.
I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"
Why are orphans so happy on Christmas? Because they might get a family.
My family was watching Home Alone 2, so whenever Kevin was at the top of the Twin Towers, I threw a paper airplane at the T.V.
Dad: Hey son, do you like Christmas?
12 year old me: Yeah!
Dad: Well, how would you feel about two?
Me: What?
It's Christmas!
Kid: Dad, I want Santa to give me an iPhone.
Indian poor dad: Son, Santa is deaf.
Kid: No, he is not. I saw him on TV yesterday.
Indian poor dad: Oh, actually, I asked him for a new wife. Maybe he is wearing AirPods.
Kid: You are my Santa, daddy.
Indian poor dad: Pull down your pants, son.
Kid: It's not an Apple product.
Indian poor dad: It's a banana.
How many wives does Santa have?
Ho Ho Ho!
What is a dog that is Christmas?
A Christmas tree dog!
Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"
What did the kid who has no arms get for Christmas?
He couldn't even open it.
Did you know what my grandpa wanted for Christmas? A new ass because his one has a crack on it.
It is September. What's the difference between a stage four colon cancer patient and Santa Claus? Santa is coming for Christmas!
Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!
Santa decided coal was too expensive, so he started putting shredded lettuce and mayo in naughty kid's lockers... he calls it the coal's law.
To start, I'm a big fella in size.
I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.
For a present on Christmas, I gave an orphan a phone, just without a home button.
What did Santa give the mute, blind, quadriplegic orphan at Christmas?
Chlamydia.
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What do you call a green boner? The Grinch.
To start off this Christmas season, I'ma make a list of what I want, then I'ma make plans with my family, then to start off my decorations, I'ma start with the first ornament and hang myself.