Christmas jokes

Q: What kind of Christmas music do elves like?

A: “Wrap” music.

What type of alphabet does an elf learn?

The elf-abet.

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?

Answer: cancer.

You know how in the movie, "Nightmare Before Christmas," they say they're making Christmas?

I thought Mary and Joseph did, but okay.

A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.

On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."

On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.

Joe Mama so fat that when Santa came to our house he said, "Ho ho HOLY SHIT, she damn thick."

Last Christmas, I took a picture of your mom.

It's still printing.

What did the blind man say on Christmas?

"I can feel your presents!"

What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?

When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.

What do you give a armless kid for Christmas?

Nothing because they can't open the gift.

What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?

I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.

Magician: "I am the greatest magician in the whole world. Look, now you see the rabbit in the hat, and now it is gone!"

Redneck girl: "That's nothing. My dad is the greatest magician! He disappears for a whole year and reappears at Christmas for a couple of hours!"

My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both come while you’re asleep.

When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

Steven Hawking was so excited for Christmas till he realized he got socks.

Why are Christmas trees banned at the mental hospital?

They would hang themselves like ornaments.

If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.

Two gays are getting ready for Christmas... They are expecting a big package in the mail!

"Jiggle balls, jiggle balls, jiggle all the way."

"Dr. Squatch will heal the itch, and know it goes away, hey!"