Christmas jokes

A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.

On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."

On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.

What did the blind man say on Christmas?

"I can feel your presents!"

Joe Mama so fat that when Santa came to our house he said, "Ho ho HOLY SHIT, she damn thick."

Last Christmas, I took a picture of your mom.

It's still printing.

What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?

When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.

What do you give a armless kid for Christmas?

Nothing because they can't open the gift.

What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both come while you’re asleep.

When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

Magician: "I am the greatest magician in the whole world. Look, now you see the rabbit in the hat, and now it is gone!"

Redneck girl: "That's nothing. My dad is the greatest magician! He disappears for a whole year and reappears at Christmas for a couple of hours!"

Stories like Rudolph and Wonder show that different means worse.

Steven Hawking was so excited for Christmas till he realized he got socks.

"Jiggle balls, jiggle balls, jiggle all the way."

"Dr. Squatch will heal the itch, and know it goes away, hey!"

I made an advent calendar for a Jehovah’s Witness.

Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.

What did Santa give the mute, blind, quadriplegic orphan at Christmas?

Chlamydia.

Two gays are getting ready for Christmas... They are expecting a big package in the mail!

If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.

Why are Christmas trees banned at the mental hospital?

They would hang themselves like ornaments.

If Bruce Willis (the guy in the Christmas movie Die Hard) dies of a Viagra overdose, would that mean he truly dies hard?

What does Santa say to 3 girls in a row?

HO HO HO

What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?

I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.