Child jokes
If you leave your small children inside a shower with Kelly Clarkson, you're a filthy parent.
What if Game of Thrones and Harry Potter antagonism had a child?
Coldemort!
Kelly Clarkson may be able to shed her weight [through pills], but she will never be able to shed the fact that she admitted herself that she molested her children when they were toddlers.
Why'd Biden get fired from the supermarket?
He kept telling little kids they smell like freshly baked bread.
My friend's dad died during 9/11. He was such a good pilot, but my friend kept disturbing him, so when his dad died, he said, "It was you who killed me" (to the child).
So the child said, "Yoo-hoo? What type of name is Yoo-hoo, but Yoo-hoo, Yoo-hoo come here, I need to kill you NOW."
I call my penis the truth because the truth always comes out of children’s mouths.
What are the three worst years of a black child's life?
First grade!
In 2001, my parents took me to 9/11. I was soaring towards it with excitement!
Me: Brings in missing child.
Police: OMG this kid has been missing for 3 months. Here is your reward.
Me: Oh, cool.
NEXT DAY
Me: Brings in 8 other kids.
Police :0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What do priests give children?
Syphilis.
A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, "Boy, these woods are scary." The molester says to the child, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."
During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"
Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."
Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."
Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."
Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."
I just encountered a father and son moment over some milk.
The dad finally came back with the milk!
Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?
-You have to be alive to have autism.
What did the kid without hands get for Christmas? - I don't know, he still didn't open his present...
Michael Jackson and Kelly Clarkson both did shady stuff to children. Michael Jackson said that there is nothing wrong with sharing a bed with unrelated small children. Kelly Clarkson said that there is nothing wrong with physically beating a small child.
The thing is, though, only one of them made "Billie Jean" or "Beat It", and the other is just a typical karaoke country singer. So no surprise people gave Wacko Jacko a pass.
My parents raised me as an only child, which infuriated my sister.
My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb? Well, obviously not 10; my basement's still dark.