Teacher says, "Okay class, today we're gonna talk about what everyone wants to be when they grow up." Little Johnny, how about you go first."
Little Jonny: "I want to be a speed bump when I grow up!"
Today I passed the exams to be a funeral director!
Too bad it's a dying trade. :)
Interviewer: What are your strengths?
Interviewee: I fall in love easily.
Interviewer: And your weaknesses?
Interviewee: Those beautiful green eyes of yours...
I would make a joke about 9/11, but my career would crash and burn.
Did you hear the one about the Polish elevator operator?
He was fired from his job because he couldn’t learn the route.
I can't believe what just happened. I was at the bowling alley having a great time with my girlfriend when suddenly a man took all of our bowling pins! I asked him why and he said he needed more tapins to keep his career relevant. I instantly realized it was Penaldo!
Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.
I lick poo for a living... You?
Boss: Why are you so bad at driving trains? How many have you derailed this year?
Me: Sorry, boss, it’s hard to keep track.
Why did the rapper go to school?
To improve his FLOW-CABULARY!
Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.
At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday. Let's just say I quit my job as a butcher.
Katy Perry can't sing, can't dance, doesn't write music, is unbelievably ugly, and is unable to decipher maths or science. Really though, I didn't realize going down on a record executive would later lead her to be one of the people able to go to space.
A buddy and I checked out some books from a local library. When we returned them, he said, "Your sister works the returns, right?" I told him, "Yes, she does, and she will be here in about five minutes." He said, "Why don’t we put a cookbook in the women’s sports section?" I told him, "I love it!" So I picked out a Reese Witherspoon book.
I quit my job at the bank today. I lost interest.
Little boy: Momma?
Mom: Yes, my dear.
Little boy: One day I wanna work in McDonald's.
Mom: Why!?
Little boy: Just to see if their ice cream machine is actually broken.
Teacher: What do you want to be when you grow up?
That depressed kid in class: Dead.
What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!
