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Card jokes

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards...

The steaks were pretty high.

An elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home.

The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game.

The man asks, "Is it your first time?"

The woman replies, "It's been a while since a man has asked me that."

So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.

How come lepers don't play cards?

Well, if they lose a couple of hands...

If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?

Why do animals have playing cards with foxes?

Because they’re a bunch of cheetahs!

What if some kid was like, "I'm going to shoot up the school!", and then someone just pulls up with a reverse card?

Why can't you play poker in the jungle? Because there are too many cheetahs!

Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.

The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"

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