Cant jokes
The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters, ...
so Trump can't tweet it.
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
Why can't college students take exams at the zoo?
Too many cheetahs!
Why can't humans hear a dog whistle? -- Because dogs can't whistle.
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? -- All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
I can't stand being in a wheelchair.
Why can't you starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."
I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue?
You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
Yo mama so poor, she can't even pay attention.
Yo mama so FAT, she can't handle files bigger than 4 GB.
Yo mama so fat, even Bob the Builder said, "We can't fix that!"
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."
The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."
The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."
The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."