Cant jokes

So you can't pay rent and you know you're going to get evicted, but all of the sudden you hear a knock on your door and it's your landlord, but he's naked and erect, and on his cock, it says, "Your rent is due."

Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.

Me: Nah, it's just two tired.

Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

Teacher: 502.

Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Teacher: No, you can't fit an elephant in a fridge!!

Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.

Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

Teacher: open door, put giraffe in, close door

Student: No! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?

Teacher: let me guess the lion?

Student: No! The giraffe because He's in a fridge.

Teacher: WOW!

Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?

Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?

Student: The gators are at the party.

Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?

Teacher: She drowned?!

Student: No! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

I was always told as a kid that I have to pick between being a programmer and an English teacher.

They said: you can't be a "pro-grammer nazi."

My mom is a chemistry teacher.

Mom: You can’t be attracted to something without it being attracted to you back.

Me: Tell that to my FUCKING CRUSH, BITCH!

What’s heavy, black, and can’t swim?

Ted Kennedy’s Oldsmobile Delmont 88 with Mary Jo Kopechne trapped inside.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the toilet? Because the “p” is silent.

The most famous line from Shakespeare’s play Julius Caesar is “Et tu, Brute?”

Why can’t he just speak plain English?

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."

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    • The only hood I like is pointy and white.

    That's why I can't trust people when I don't see their face at night.

    Why can't depressed people leave the maze?

    Because their lives are the walls and they are too scared to meet the exit.

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    • A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says, "Sir, are you a gambling man?"

    The butcher says, "Why yes, as a matter of fact, I am."

    "Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."

    The butcher thinks for a moment and says, "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."

    The guy says, "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."

    "I am. But the steaks are too high."

    "My grandmother used to tell us a joke. She’d say, "Knock knock." We’d say, "Who’s there?" Then she’d say, "I can’t remember"... and start to cry."

    Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? Because it wasn't born yesterday.

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