Cant jokes
When your husband can’t afford a punching bag, he uses his wife.
A police officer writes a ticket for a car not being parked correctly. The driver asks why. When he realizes he is parked poorly, he responds, "Oh. I'm terribly sorry. You see, I'm so gay I can't even park straight."
What did the melon say to the avocado when he proposed?
Can't elope.
I can't decide which side to take on abortion; on one hand it kills babies and on the other it gives women a choice...
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.
Can't wait for Stephen Hawking's next update.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
'Cause they don't know where home is.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking go to Heaven?
Because there wasn’t a ramp.
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish!
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.
Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.
Stephen Hawking tried comedy.
His first line ruined it. "You know what I can't stand? Let me rephrase that, you know what? I can't stand."
His name rhymes with walking and talking, but he can’t do either.
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they don't know where home is...
Funny thing is, dead women can't say no...
What did Stephen Hawking say on the stairway to heaven?
Oh, fuck! I can’t get up them.
Why can't you tell a joke in a corn maze?
Because there's too many ears.
What's grey and can't fly?
A parking lot.
What's white and can't climb a tree?
A refrigerator.
Why can’t Sally hang herself?
She does not have arms.
Why can’t Sally get a hair cut? She has cancer.