Canning jokes
Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A prostitute, because she can always wash her crack and sell it again.
Why do orphans play GTA?
Because at least they can be wanted!
Some marriages can make short people look like Shaquille O'Neal.
I remember I met an orphan. He asked, "Can I suck your thumb?" I said, "Why?" Because "that'd be pig."
How many times can you subtract ten from one thousand?
One; after that you're subtracting ten from 990.
Memes
Why can an orphan only get an iPhone X?
Because there is no home button.
Alright, I'm gonna drink the lo-carb one to see how it compares to the normal Monster.
Holy shit, it tastes just like the original one.
There's like a weird after taste though.
Kinda like a sparkling water one.
I love Monster. I've drank about 5 cans already.
What did the orphan say when he first played Sims? Dang, you can have a family!
Which is the best sport at making fat people lose weight?
Canned hunting.
"Hey Kenya, can we talk please!"
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where home is.
Me: *opens a bag of hot Cheetos in class*
All my friends: Hey bro, can I have some?
People I don't know: Please lemme have some. PLEASE, I'll be your best friend!
People I say no to: (⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)
What do you call a man who can fly? A flying man.
Like, if you hate wearing a mask.
Every time I'm out in public, and I see someone without their mask, I always feel like there is something extra special about them. Then I realize that I can see all their face!
True story by the way.
What can a duck eat for a snack? Saltine quackers!
How do you put a baby in the blender feet first so you can see its facial expressions?
How do you get it out? Tortilla chip.
A sister went to her brother's room and says,
"I'm scared, can I sleep with you?"
"Yes, sis."
"What is this?" (pointing at his dick)
"My pet snake."
"Can I pet it?"
"Yes."
He wakes up in a hospital.
"What happened?"
"Your snake spit on me, so I bit his head off."
"You dummy!"
"Whaaat?"
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
— Can I borrow a book [on] how to kill myself?
— Librarian: No, because you won’t bring it back.
Mom: You can't die in the living room, David, so you can stop stabbing and shooting yourself.
David: I will surpass Kakarot!
Jordan: *dead on the living room floor*