Canning jokes
Why is a ghost so predictable?
Because you can see right through it.
Why can you never surprise mountains?
They peak.
What kind of fruit can fix your sink?
A plum-ber.
Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?
The tortoise can't go out to play, Or sell his house or rent it. For when he moves, his house moves too, And nothing can prevent it.
Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the inn keeper three nails and says, "Can ya put me up for the night?"
What is a nudist's least favorite holiday?
Memorial Day.
Why?
Because wearing a poppy can be very painful.
What is the difference between Batman and a black man?
Batman can go out at night without Robin.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
Q: What's the difference between a CEO and a beer can?
A: Beer cans don't bleed when they get shot.
"Can we at least give them one credit—for abiding the traffic laws?"
A priest was driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.
The cop asked him if he had anything to drink. The priest said just water.
The cop said, "Then why can I smell wine?"
The priest said, "Good Lord, it happened again!"
What's the difference between Batman and a Black man???
Batman can go out at night without Robin.
What do you call a Flying Pilot? Because he can go pee on the plane!
Boys: “Hey, can Billy come out and play baseball?”
Mom: “That would be fine, but he hasn’t come out of his room since Friday.”
Boys: “Have you checked the closet?”
A woman can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship.
A man can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.
My mother was suffering from menstrual pain. So I fucked her for 7 hours to ease her pain. I continued to do so for the next 6 days. Even after fucking her 51 times during her 7-day period, I fucked her 5-6 times a day for the next three months and stopped her period for 9 months! Only her son can understand and ease the pain of a mother.
can someone please tell what happened?
An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."
When fat people sit down at a restaurant, and you listen closely, you can hear the chair screaming.