What’s the difference between weed and pussy?
If you can smell weed from across the room, it means the weed's good.
What does a gynecologist and delivery driver have in common?
Whenever they’re hungry, they can just scrape a little cheese off the top of the box.
“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Cop: "I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia."
Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"
I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
How do you break up a fight between two gay men?
Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"
What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?
"Where are the kids?"
What’s one thing you can say during a wedding and in bed?
I didn’t know we were having seafood tonight!
What’s one thing you can say during family dinner and in bed?
"Will there be seconds?"
What’s something you can say in a grocery store and in bed?
"Thanks for coming."
Roses are red, violets are blue. Get over here so I can fuck you.
We send millions of mosquito nets to Africa; we can save millions of mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.
How can you tell your best friend is gay?
His meat tastes like shit.
How can a pimp save money in buying condoms for his stable?
Answer: Have his hoes wash and rinse them after every use.
You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!
Don’t have a bike? You can mount me instead.
What do you call a banana that can dance?
CHUPAPIMUNYANYO BUISNESS [sic]
The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?
Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.
The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.
One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”
“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”
“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”
