Canning jokes

How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to light up the room with space lasers so the other can see, and one to screw it in.

Two Indians are walking beside a river...

One reaches down into the mud and runs it through his fingers.

"The White Man was here."

"How can you tell?"

"We're speaking English, aren’t we?"

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you, do you? This is my seat, after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! After all, Pakistanis and Indians are brothers! Are we not?"

The Indian is delighted at how warm and friendly they are, and he takes his seat. Shortly the plane takes off and the three guys are just chilling until the Indian says, "You know it's going to be a long ride and I am getting thirsty. Brothers, can I get any of you like a drink?" Then one of them says, "Yes brother, I would like a Coke!"

The Indian slips off his shoes and walks barefoot to where the stewardess is at, and when the Indian is out of view, one of the Pakistanis spits into his shoe. The Indian comes back and gives him a Coke.

Then the other Pakistani says, "You know what brother? I would also like a Coke too!" The Indian happily obliges, and as soon as he is out of view, he also spits in his shoe before the Indian gives him a Coke.

Finally, the Indian slips on his shoes and suddenly realizes how wet they are. He shakes his head and says, "Brothers! Why must we do this to each other, spitting in each other's shoes and peeing in each other's Cokes?"

If the government can print money,

Then why are we paying taxes?

What's something you can say in church and while having sex?

I come in the name of the Lord.

Be careful, everybody, I have a red dot on my forehead, so I can record everybody!

Trump: Caillou, can you please stop whining? That squirrel didn’t just eat our pizza, he also ditched your dad, and he’s your stepdad now.

Caillou: Why I’m bald, Trumpy?

Trump: I don’t know, but what I do know is that you’re a massive shit stain.

What’s the difference between your sister and a bowling ball?

I can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

If her internal clock can tock, she can sit on my cock.

If her internal clock can tick, she can sit on my dick.

What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?

A unicycle can only take one person at a time.

What’s the best part of having sex with a pregnant woman?

You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.

What do you call a white guy who can actually dance? Jewish.

What's the rarest gun you can find in Africa? A water gun.

I had sex with a disabled girl. You can say I handiclapped those cheeks.

With the sentence "Die in Hölle," you can buy shoes in Germany.

What the can say to the tomato?

Tomato tomato potato potato find twelve recipe for the both 👍🏾

I put on ingredient sticker read for tasting good.

If someone licks your elbow, you won't feel it.

If you put your ear up to someone's leg, you can hear them say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

A fat homeless person begged me for food, so I said, "I can see your dinner. You had plenty!"

What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room, it means the weed's good.