Canning jokes

What the can say to the tomato?

Tomato tomato potato potato find twelve recipe for the both 👍🏾

I put on ingredient sticker read for tasting good.

If someone licks your elbow, you won't feel it.

If you put your ear up to someone's leg, you can hear them say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

A fat homeless person begged me for food, so I said, "I can see your dinner. You had plenty!"

What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room, it means the weed's good.

What does a gynecologist and delivery driver have in common?

Whenever they’re hungry, they can just scrape a little cheese off the top of the box.

“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Cop: "I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia."

Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

How do you break up a fight between two gay men?

Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"

What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?

"Where are the kids?"

What’s one thing you can say during a wedding and in bed?

I didn’t know we were having seafood tonight!

What’s one thing you can say during family dinner and in bed?

"Will there be seconds?"

What’s something you can say in a grocery store and in bed?

"Thanks for coming."

Roses are red, violets are blue. Get over here so I can fuck you.

We send millions of mosquito nets to Africa; we can save millions of mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.

How can you tell your best friend is gay?

His meat tastes like shit.

How can a pimp save money in buying condoms for his stable?

Answer: Have his hoes wash and rinse them after every use.

You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!

Don’t have a bike? You can mount me instead.

What do you call a banana that can dance?

CHUPAPIMUNYANYO BUISNESS [sic]