Canning jokes

If the government can print money,

Then why are we paying taxes?

What's something you can say in church and while having sex?

I come in the name of the Lord.

Be careful, everybody, I have a red dot on my forehead, so I can record everybody!

Trump: Caillou, can you please stop whining? That squirrel didn’t just eat our pizza, he also ditched your dad, and he’s your stepdad now.

Caillou: Why I’m bald, Trumpy?

Trump: I don’t know, but what I do know is that you’re a massive shit stain.

What’s the difference between your sister and a bowling ball?

I can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

If her internal clock can tock, she can sit on my cock.

If her internal clock can tick, she can sit on my dick.

What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?

A unicycle can only take one person at a time.

What’s the best part of having sex with a pregnant woman?

You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.

What do you call a white guy who can actually dance? Jewish.

What's the rarest gun you can find in Africa? A water gun.

I had sex with a disabled girl. You can say I handiclapped those cheeks.

With the sentence "Die in Hölle," you can buy shoes in Germany.

What the can say to the tomato?

Tomato tomato potato potato find twelve recipe for the both 👍🏾

I put on ingredient sticker read for tasting good.

If someone licks your elbow, you won't feel it.

If you put your ear up to someone's leg, you can hear them say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

A fat homeless person begged me for food, so I said, "I can see your dinner. You had plenty!"

What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room, it means the weed's good.

What does a gynecologist and delivery driver have in common?

Whenever they’re hungry, they can just scrape a little cheese off the top of the box.

“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Cop: "I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia."

Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"