Can jokes
Orphan kids only play GTA5 so they can be wanted.
A 28-year-old medical student is auctioning off her virginity online.
For $300K, you can have the worst sex of your life.
When Ant-Man is the size of an atom, how can he breathe?
People shouldn’t be afraid during a zombie apocalypse.
They can stay in their living room.
Be careful, everybody, I have a red dot on my forehead, so I can record everybody!
Memes
Why do ducks have feathers? So they can cover their butt quacks.
What is Green and Red and goes round and round?
A frog in a blender.
(this next one is pretty bad, and I don't mean it, so don't get offended)
What's the difference between a Mexican and a park bench?
One can support an average family.
On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.
On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.
What animal can jump the highest?
Emo kids because once they go up they never come back.
Guy 1: Hey, can you stop making 9/11 jokes? My dad died during it.
Guy 2: Sorry, I will stop. What was your dad?
Guy 1: The pilot. He saw a KFC and wanted it, so, well, you know.
Opposite day be like in doors.
Figure: Finally, I can see.
Eyes: Nnnnnoooo! I'm blind. Figure, I'm sorry I made fun of you all those other times. Please don't make fun of me.
Figure: Ok eye promise eye won't.
Eyes: 😭
What’s the difference between a prostitute and a homeless shelter?
You can shit a load inside of a prostitute, but if you try it in a shelter, you get arrested.
My uncle is an alchemist.
He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.
Jamal: Dads CAN grow on trees, Joseph.
Joseph: No, they don't.
Jamal: Yes, they do. I've seen it.
Joseph: ... that's not what you thought it was.
I copied my friend's work. It's not like the teacher can tell my parents.
"In chess, a queen can move in more directions than the king."
I mean, yeah, the chessboard looks like a kitchen floor, so-
My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.
What's the difference between a bird and a kid on the roof?
The bird can fly off the roof.
Why can't orphans sleep? Nobody can tuck them in.
What music do depressed people listen to?
"I Believe I Can Fly."