Can jokes

What animal can jump the highest?

Emo kids because once they go up they never come back.

Opposite day be like in doors.

Figure: Finally, I can see.

Eyes: Nnnnnoooo! I'm blind. Figure, I'm sorry I made fun of you all those other times. Please don't make fun of me.

Figure: Ok eye promise eye won't.

Eyes: 😭

Why can't orphans sleep? Nobody can tuck them in.

My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.

What's the difference between a bird and a kid on the roof?

The bird can fly off the roof.

What music do depressed people listen to?

"I Believe I Can Fly."

I copied my friend's work. It's not like the teacher can tell my parents.

Jamal: Dads CAN grow on trees, Joseph.

Joseph: No, they don't.

Jamal: Yes, they do. I've seen it.

Joseph: ... that's not what you thought it was.

Hey, can I tell you a pizza joke?

Nah, it's too cheesy.

Hey! My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?

Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.

Mom told me drugs are my enemies.

Jesus said to like your enemies.

Yay, I can like drugs then!

I'm not completely useless; I can be used as a bad example.

Why can’t orphans play baseball?

Because they can never find home.

If the government can print money,

Then why are we paying taxes?

I look at my girlfriend’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can.

Like it’s my next meal.

Children are like farts.

You can only tolerate your own.

Why do women like Pac-Man so much?

How else can you get eaten three times for a quarter?

"In chess, a queen can move in more directions than the king."

I mean, yeah, the chessboard looks like a kitchen floor, so-

What did the house painter ask when he went to the abortion clinic?

"Where do you keep the cans of paint?"