Can jokes

Jeffrey Dahmer and his mother are having dinner.

His mother says, “I don’t like your friends.”

Then Jeff says, “You can eat the potatoes.”

Two terrorists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"

The terrorists both say, "A beer."

The bartender overhears them talking about how they will kill 300 people and a donkey. The bartender says, "Why a donkey?"

One terrorist says, "See, I told you no one would care about the people!"

An American and a Russian are talking. The American says, "We in America have the best democracy. We can stand in front of the White House and shout with impunity: \"The American President is a moron!\""

"We can do that too," says the Russian, walking with the American to the Kremlin and shouting: "The American President is a moron!"

A blonde walks into the doctor's office. She tells the doctor, "My boyfriend has dandruff."

The doctor tells her to use Head and Shoulders. She leaves. About an hour later, the doctor's phone rings. He answers, it's the blonde. The doctor asks how he can help her. "Well doctor, I understand head, but how do you 'hove' shoulders?"

Why can orphans only hit a triple in baseball?

Because they don't know where home is.

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

A cop pulls a man over and finds out he's drunk. So he asks for license and registration, and the drunk man says, "Can I see your flashlight?"

The cop says, "Just give me your license and registration." So drunk guy says, "Not until you give me your flashlight."

The cop said, "For what?" and the drunk guy says, "So I can shine it in your face and see what an asshole looks like."

So, some ants in a colony go to war. They want some more troops and know that there are ants that went to wars as well. They call them war-ants.

They start barging into homes to search for more war-ants. They barge into a home, and the lady-ant goes, "Hey, why are you here? Can you please leave?" One of the ants replies with, "I'm sorry, but unless you have a war-ant, we have to keep searching your house."

What does an autistic kid and a porn video have in common? You can shoot both of them, just not in public.

What’s the similarity between your uncle and your hands?

They can both do dirty things.

How are guys and tile floors alike?

If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.

Don't go to ghostposter.com. The person or persons who run that site are a fucking bunch if dumb fucking cunts who can suck my big cock.

What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you?

Your virginity.

A girl asked, "Can I have some nuts too?"

Boy: "Sure, what ones ;)"

Why do emos like circles? Because they can hang out with them.

Why are Mexicans so bad in the Olympics?

Because all the ones that can run, jump, and swim live in America.

What did the orphan's friend give him for his birthday?

Lego, so he can build a home.

Why do orphans go to church so much?

So they can have someone to call father.

My sister said the onion is the only vegetable that can make you cry...

So I threw a carrot at her.

I donated to the LGBTQ community. Hopefully now they can find a cure.