Can jokes

A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.

This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"

"Of course," she says.

The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"

The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"

What do you call a dog that can do magic?

A Labracadabrador.

How can all rape be prevented? Just teach your daughters to never say no to a man. There - fixed!

How can you make a woman scream your name when you have sex with her?

Change your name to "Rape."

I can barely remember the last words my uncle told me.

"Let go of my nose!"

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.

After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer."

Another 20 minutes passes and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips.

The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips."

What's the difference between Batman and a Black man???

Batman can go out at night without Robin.

Why is a ghost so predictable?

Because you can see right through it.

Why can Elsa hold a balloon? She will "Let It Go"!

Why is it so hard to make friends in Antarctica?

Because you cannot break the ice.

Cop: "I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia."

Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So you can tell them apart from the feminists.

Doctor: "I am so sorry, I cannot see you today."

Orphan: "Oh, okay. What about tomorrow?"

Doctor: "No, I can't see you ever."

Orphan: "Why?"

Doctor: "Because I am a family doctor."

9 year olds can consent. That’s like 18 divided by 2.

What store can an orphan never find?

Home Depot.

"Honey, let's not go so deep into the woods, please. I'm starting to get scared."

"It's easy for you to talk. I can go back alone right now!"

What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?

A unicycle can only take one person at a time.

Na, don't be mean to fat people. Oh wait, never mind, they can handle the weight.

lmao why do people think they can fly?

Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"