Can jokes
A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.
This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"
"Of course," she says.
The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"
The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"
After getting in the White House, D. Trump gets a letter...
...from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:
370HSSV 0773H
All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.
One of the agents suggests Trump ask for MI6's help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary:
"Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down."
What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A Labracadabrador.
How can you make a woman scream your name when you have sex with her?
Change your name to "Rape."
How can all rape be prevented? Just teach your daughters to never say no to a man. There - fixed!
I can barely remember the last words my uncle told me.
"Let go of my nose!"
An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.
After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer."
Another 20 minutes passes and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips.
The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips."
9 year olds can consent. That’s like 18 divided by 2.
If her age is on the clock, she can sit on my cock.
Can two high-femme lesbians go on a date with each other?
Yes, but it will take them forever to get ready.
What's something a depressed person can do that a regular person can't?
The depressed person can scan themself.
She said you can twerk, so I put her in a tractor and put her to work. She got mad at me and said, "There's no good men," but I gave her a kob and equal pay!
I can go to Walmart and scan my wrists. It'll say "antidepressants." ✨
Q: Why can you be rude to an orphan?
A: Because who are they gonna tell their parents?
Q: Why can't orphans ever win at Yahtzee?
A: Because they can never seem to get a full house.
Did you hear about the dwarf that had his wallet stolen? Just how low can you get?
What are two plus sides to being an orphan?
1. All your snacks are family sized.
2. No one can make jokes about your mama.
I asked my friend how long I can be in the sky. He said if you are emo, then forever.
Did you know an orphan is deeply religious because they can finally call someone "father."
What do orphans and police not have in common?
The police can actually go home.