Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"
What's the worst thing about committing suicide? You can only do it once.
What's the only regret you would have when you eventually kill yourself? It wasn't sooner.
I won't reply to every joke today because I want to say thanks to everyone for making funny jokes here. Every time I have a bad day (almost everyday), I always go here and read relatable jokes. It makes me happy and it's making me less anxious. I am really stressed with my school work and everything; I feel that I'm being left alone. Everyone compares me to others and all I can do is listen. I don't get enough sleep because of it... Reading these jokes entertains me and makes me laugh so hard.
I apologize for my grammar.
Any girl can be a squirter if you hit the right artery.
Why do orphans play Minecraft? So they can at least build a home.
It must not be a good suicide story if you can tell it.
Why is the Tower of Pisa leaning?
Because unlike the Twin Towers it can dodge.
What do you call an all-you-can-eat buffet for a pedophile? A school bus.
Why are heterosexual women jealous of gay men?
because gay men can perform fellatio on men better than they can.
Teacher: Johnny, can you use a sentence with "definitely" in it?
Little Johnny: Do farts have lumps in them?
Teacher: Of course not, Johnny.
Little Johnny: Then I’ve definitely shat myself.
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew the lightbulb.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect 4 in only three moves.
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. For example, if she's holding a gun, she's probably angry.
A cemetery should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.
A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
Everything is so racist these days, you can't even say "black paint" anymore. You now have to say "Tyrone can you please paint that wall?"
What's the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?
Deer balls. They're under a buck.
What did Hitler say when he was blindfolded?
I can Nazi!
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
