Can jokes
One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"
Everything is so racist these days, you can't even say "black paint" anymore. You now have to say "Tyrone can you please paint that wall?"
What's the worst thing about committing suicide? You can only do it once.
What's the only regret you would have when you eventually kill yourself? It wasn't sooner.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Any girl can be a squirter if you hit the right artery.
Why is the Tower of Pisa leaning?
Because unlike the Twin Towers it can dodge.
Why do orphans play Minecraft? So they can at least build a home.
It must not be a good suicide story if you can tell it.
What do you call an all-you-can-eat buffet for a pedophile? A school bus.
Teacher: Johnny, can you use a sentence with "definitely" in it?
Little Johnny: Do farts have lumps in them?
Teacher: Of course not, Johnny.
Little Johnny: Then I’ve definitely shat myself.
Why are heterosexual women jealous of gay men?
because gay men can perform fellatio on men better than they can.
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew the lightbulb.
What did Hitler say when he was blindfolded?
I can Nazi!
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect 4 in only three moves.
What's the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?
Deer balls. They're under a buck.
A cemetery should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. For example, if she's holding a gun, she's probably angry.
A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!
A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"
The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"
The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."