What do me and Monster cans have in common? A barcode.
Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?
You say "Tell me if you can hear me", then get in the trunk and start screaming.
I can measure the speed of an object. Because I want to km/s
Why don’t orphans work as computer repair technicians? Because they can’t find the motherboard.
Roses are red Thats a tin can You have no home So get in the van
Can Febuary March? No but April May.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.
People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer, that at least i can scan my worth at the supermarket.
What’s the difference between stephan hawking and a walkie talkie. He can’t walkie or talkie
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The Thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."
Why can’t an orphan get suspended or expelled from school? Because they need to contact parents.
Why are feminists always against men? because men can piss with something that they can't piss with dicks
Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter
How does E.T. have an advantage over orphans? E.T. can actually phone home.
A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, "Can I touch it?". The little boy looks back at her and says, "Hell no, you already broke yours off!".
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
Q: Why can't science be combined with religion?
A: Cause science creates skyscrapers and planes, while religion combines them
Why can't orphans watch PG movies? Because they are parental guidance.
Woah man, you need to take a step back. Your hairline did, so I am sure you can.
My friends: ugh why are you so lazy and no fun My parents: why can't u be like ur siblings My teacher: I don't care if ur depressed focus on ur study! The songs: we understand you :)
