Can Jokes

Fun fact! You can hold your breath till the rest of your life.

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

The boy turns to the man and says, "Hey mister, it's getting dark out, and I’m scared... Can we go back now?"

So the man says: "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!"

Can February march? -- No, but April may.

What can you tell a dog, but not your girlfriend? Come.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."

Never attempt to foreshadow your own death, you may end up regretting it. You can chop me up and throw me in the fridge if I’m wrong.

A good dog name is Syndrome. That way when it tries attacking, you can yell, "Down, Syndrome!"

Q: How can you tell that a pedophile likes music?

A: He rapes D minor.

What’s the difference between people and chocolate? I can still buy dark chocolate.

Jesus could walk on water, and Chuck Norris can swim through land.

I can’t stand disabled jokes...

Neither can they 😂

What college can Stephen Hawking not attend?

"Stand" Ford University. :3

I would name my daughter Awesome so I can tell people that I'm fucking awesome.

One day I came to my mom and said, "MOM!!! I can make a butterfly!"

Mom: "No you can't..."

Me: *throws butter out the window* Me: "Look I made a butterfly!"

lol this isn't funny but I hope you liked it.

Why does an orphan go to church? So they can call someone father and be loved.

Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."

Jesus Christ said my faith can move mountains, so Mohammed said my faith can move skyscrapers.

You're so poor, when you kicked a can, a man asked, "Are you moving?"

*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."

Person 2: "Probably Bullets."

Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"

Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."

Person 1: "...."

Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."