Can jokes
People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.
Woah man, you need to take a step back. Your hairline did, so I am sure you can.
So I meet with a therapist on a weekly basis. We talk about my depression and how it's been getting worse. Recently, I've been advised about my condition, and how I've been discussing with her about being suicidal. She's been very helpful throughout it. I was even told I can pay in advance from now on, so I don't have to worry about it later.
Why are feminists always against men?
Because men can piss with something that they can't: piss with dicks.
How does E.T. have an advantage over orphans? E.T. can actually phone home.
Why can a gay man give a better brojob to a heterosexual man than another heterosexual man?
Experience.
Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, "Can I touch it?" The little boy looks back at her and says, "Hell no, you already broke yours off!"
Can orphans eat at a family restaurant?
I'm a fast reader, I can go through 20 stories in a few seconds.
Why did they invent glow-in-the-dark condoms? So gay guys can play Star Wars.
How can a person from Alabama tell that someone is an illegal immigrant?
If they are dating someone that isn't related to them.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
When I die, can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?
Who can shave 20 times a day and still have a beard? -- A barber.
Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 911 victims?
Well, probably their kneecaps.
Little Johnny and his dad were going to buy a horse.
Dad: Rubbing on the horse’s chest and butt.
Little Johnny: What are you doing?
Dad: Checking to see if the horse is healthy so I can buy it.
Little Johnny: Oh well, I think the mall man wants to buy mom.
Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.
The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"
A cocksucker is still a cocksucker if a cocksucker only sucks for moral, religious, or health reasons, and a vegetarian who doesn't eat meat for moral, religious, or health reasons can still be a cocksucker, so how can a cocksucker be a vegetarian for moral, religious, or health reasons?
I named my dog "5 miles" so when I walk him, I can say I walked 5 miles.
Random guy: I ran over 5 miles.