Can jokes
What do you call a school bus driver that cannot walk? A silly school bus driver!
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" she said.
"S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."
They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"
"I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.
"Spot on!" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples."
"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
"No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper."
Welcome to the abortion clinic. You make 'em, we scrape 'em. No fetus can beat us.
"Eeee, is a time for a tree night out to a tree. 🌲 I can fly to the earth day to day day one night type and a walk in and a tree."
What's the difference between a human and a tree?
A human can chop down a tree.
A tree can't chop down a human.
What has 4 wheels and can fly? A garbage truck.
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
Yes, you are the one who can get it, and what time do I have?
What is a home that can fly?
A magic house!
What is a car that runs and can't?
What time is it when you cannot walk? Time to get a wheelchair 🦽.
What's the best thing about Alzheimer's? You can hide your own Easter eggs!!
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain.
Disabled people can help the world to get a printed copy of "Leaning Tower of Pisa," exactly leaned at an angle.
What’s pink, black and has 17 nipples?
A trash can behind the cancer ward.
What time is it when you can smell smoke inside?
Time to get outside!
How many guns can an octopus hold?
9
You can make fun of adopted kids all you want. What are they going to do, tell their parents on you? Lol.
Do you know why I wish grass was emo? So it can cut itself.
What can fly?
Bird.