Came Jokes

One day a guy named Carson is called a jerk, and he says, "I went to a party with my girlfriend, and this random guy walks up to us and says, 'Can I borrow your girlfriend for 30 minutes?' I say yes, and he takes her upstairs. It was not only 30 minutes, but an hour. When she came back down, she was out of breath, so I knew it was a pretty intense conversation." This happens about 3 more times that night.

But as I was saying, only a nice guy would let his girlfriend make friends with other guys. 😊😇

I asked my girlfriend if she was a smoke alarm. She said, "Is it because I warned him when hotness came?" I said, "No, you don’t shut up!"

One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).

My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.

Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A kid came from school. His mother said, "What did you do in school?" The boy replied, "I had sex with my teacher." She said, "OH MY GOD, GO TO YOUR ROOM, WAIT UNTIL YOUR DAD COMES!" He waited, then his dad walked in and said, "Your mother told me what you did. I'm proud of you, son. Let's go buy you a bicycle." When they arrived to the store, the dad said, "Try out and see which seat is the comfortable." The boy said, "I can't, my butt is sore." Dad said, "Why is your butt sore?" The Boy said, "Because I had sex with my teacher."

What’s the difference between a boomerang and my dad?

Only the boomerang came back. It’s been 14 years, where’s my dad?

The bakery where I work is being robbed. I said to the people, "I am calling the police." Then I realized they did not come for the money; they came for the bread. Huh, go figure!

On 9/11, the Twin Towers ordered 3 pepperoni pizzas. One came in plain, the other came in late, the third went to the wrong address.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Eggs don’t cum.

One day, I saw a kid beating up a fat kid. But a cop came out of nowhere and threw the bully off him. The cop then asked the bully, "Why are you beating him up?" I responded, saying, "I'm fighting obesity; no children should suffer from diabetes and heart disease." Then, the cop pulled out a gun and fired, afterwards saying, "Well, how did I do?"

There was a little boy named Chris who was addicted to Roblox.

One day, his grandpa fell into a deep coma caused by a head injury.

One day, little Chris went to visit his poor grandpa. He brought his Windows 10 too, but it had no charge in it. After pulling out some wires and placing his into the wall, he started to hear a long beeping sound, but ignored it and continued to play Roblox. Chris's parents came and saw what had happened.

The dad then yelled, "You dumb f***, you killed my father!!!"

Then Chris said "Yeah. He was worth robucks, too."

What did the dog say when he came home from a long shift at work? Today was ruff.

Me: "I came home laughing."

Parents: "What's wrong?"

Me: "The teacher asked everyone a question. Luckily, I was the only one who knew."

Parents: "Good for you, Johnny. What was the fantastic question your teacher gave everyone and only you knew?"

Me: "Well, it's kinda complicated, but here it goes."

Parents: "What is it?"

Me: "Who farted?"

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He’s a suicide bomber.

I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.

AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!

A man walks into a skyscraper bar and takes a shot of tequila and jumps out of a window. An onlooker watches this and is scared, but what scared him most is when the same man who jumped came back up again 10 minutes later.

The onlooker who is amazed asked the man how he was still alive, and the man said with a drunk, slurred voice, “I don’t know, every time I take a shot and jump I float right before I hit the ground!” The man demonstrates and as he said floated down and came back up to the bar. The onlooker says that he must try, slams a shot of tequila and jumps SPLAT!

The bartender looks at the first man and says, “Your an a**hole when your drunk, Superman.”

A wife and husband had been on a strict diet, and the wife said, "You know, we've been good about our diet. Let's have a cheat night tonight." The wife came home with KFC and Wendy's. The husband came home with Sylvia from the office.

One day there were these 3 cowboys sitting next to a fire and they were telling each other about their adventures. Well, the first cowboy said, "I tangled with a bull that killed 6 people, so I wrestled that son of a bitch to the ground with my bare hands."

The second cowboy said, "That's nothing. Yesterday I was walking on a trail and came across a rattler, so I picked it up, bit its head off, and drank all his venom in one gulp."

The third cowboy remained quiet, stirring the embers of the fire with his penis.

There are 5 cows in a field. One of them is the mom, the rest are kids. One of the kids walked up to the mom and asked, "Why am I named Daisy?" and then a daisy fell on her head.

The second cow came up to the mom and asked, "Why am I named Rose?" and then a rose fell on her head. Then the 3rd cow said, "Why am I named Violet?" then a violet fell on her head. Then the 4th cow walked up and said, "Merrrbere." Then the mom said, "Shutup, cinder block!"

Three guys landed on a cannibal island. The cannibal chef told them if they wanted to live, they had to go get 10 of one fruit and bring it to him, and he would tell them what to do.

So the first guy brings 10 apples, and the chef said if he could shove all 10 of those in his ass without making a sound, he could live. He was three apples in and made a sound, and they ate him. The second guy brought grapes; nine grapes in, and he burst out laughing. The cannibals ate him. Then the first guy said, "Why'd you laugh? You were almost there!" The other guy who had the grapes said, "I couldn't help it, I was told the third guy came back with 10 pineapples."