Call jokes

Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."

What is it called when an orphan takes a selfie?

A family photo.

If a crippled man told stories about himself, would that be called VeggieTales?

Johnny Depp fans claim to support their god because they sympathize with male victims of sexual assault. Yet a large chunk of them cheer on Wacko Jacko raping little boys, calling it "innocent".

My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice. I called it "cold hard cash."

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.

The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

Call me an escalator because I let people down.

What do you call two Mexicans at a country restaurant? "Two beaners in a cracker house."

What do you call a kid with cancer walking through the airport?

•Terminal

An orphan walks into a supermarket, gets lost and calls for his mum, then remembers.

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?

Artificial Intelligence.

What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?

Optimistic.

What do you call an alligator with a vest?

An investigator.

What do you call a teenage boy who doesn’t masturbate?

A liar.

What do you call a fish that smokes? "A puffer."

What do you call a Catholic priest who molests children?

A Catholic priest.

I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.

What do you call a swimming terrorist?

A bath bomb.

what do you call a retard smoking weed?

a baked potato.