My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice. I called it "cold hard cash."
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."
Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."
What do you call the space in between Kim Kardashian's breasts?
Silicon Valley.
Call me an escalator because I let people down.
What do you call two Mexicans at a country restaurant? "Two beaners in a cracker house."
The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?
Artificial Intelligence.
What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB.
What do you call a fish that smokes? "A puffer."
What do you call a teenage boy who doesn’t masturbate?
A liar.
What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?
Cracking open a cold one with the boys.
An orphan walks into a supermarket, gets lost and calls for his mum, then remembers.
What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?
Optimistic.
What do you call a kid with cancer walking through the airport?
•Terminal
I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.
What do you call a Catholic priest who molests children?
A Catholic priest.
What do you call an alligator with a vest?
An investigator.
If a crippled man told stories about himself, would that be called VeggieTales?
