But jokes

A man robs a bank and asks a woman, "Did you see that?"

She says, "Yes." So the man shoots her.

He leaves the bank and sees a couple. He asks, "Did you see that?" The husband said, "No, but my wife did!"

Why do they call it emotion when the root word is emo, but emos don't show emotion?

"I'm sorry, Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

My biggest joke: I’d show you, but I don’t have a mirror to show you.

Nobody really liked our fireplace.

So I turned it into a brick pizza oven. Idk why, but now everyone likes our fireplace.

Husband: Hey honey, words can’t describe how beautiful you are.

Wife: Aww, thanks.

Husband: But numbers can. 0 out of 10.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

Employer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: No, but I do a pretty good "Bohemian Rhapsody."

Roses are red, violets are blue, she is hot, but you're as ugly as poo.

SPOILER ALERT...

I was going to tell you a joke about Thanos, but T. S. snapped it away!

A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.

The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."

The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."

I went scuba diving last year. It was fun, but at the end, I ran out of oxygen.

It was a breathtaking experience.

Two cunts are better than one, but one cunt is better than none.

I have OCD and ADD, so everything has to be perfect... but not for very long.

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank was a monster.

I've thought about suicide, but there's always been a part of me that knows I wouldn't be able to live with the decision.

What’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?

The back of my hand.

What do genders and the Twin Towers have in common? There used to be 2, but now they're a sensitive topic...

My girlfriend called me a cocksucker, but hey, 20 dollars is 20 dollars.

Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.