But jokes

I used to think that I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagi-asian.

Your mama is so ugly, she tried summoning Candyman, but he refused to come!

What did the depressed kid do in P.E.? They played with the jump rope, but they used it the wrong way.

What’s something you can say about vacation, but not about your girlfriend?

Next time I’m bringing all my friends.

SPOILER ALERT...

I was going to tell you a joke about Thanos, but T. S. snapped it away!

In his dream, some people gave the Hodja nine gold coins, but Hodja wanted ten. So he refused them. Suddenly, he awoke and saw that his hands were empty. So, he quickly closed his eyes again and said, "It's okay, I'll take the nine coins."

I was shopping for a halloween costume, but once we got to the ghost section all of the costumes were out of stock! It turned out Pristiano Penaldo was buying them all! I came up to him and asked why he was doing this and he said: I’m sorry, but it’s match day, I must be a ghost 👻👻

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

Why were the twin towers mad?

Because they ordered pepperoni pizza, but instead they got plain.

I have a dog named Syndrome.

But it gets kinda awkward when he jumps on someone and I have to shout, "DOWN SYNDROME!"

Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't wanna say this, but I have the flu.

Johnny and Jill went up the hill to lick Jill's yummy candy.

But Johnny got a SHOCK With a mouthful of COCK Because Jill's REAL NAME?

Was Randy. 👹

Race car backwards is race car, but if you turn race car sideways, that’s how Paul Walker got sent to God’s inbox.

Dad's secretary left her position, he told me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

I just saw people writing "Zoophile," "Ailurophile," and "Dendrophilia" in their bios. I thought this was cool, but when I wrote "Necrophile" and "Pedophile," I don't know why people started hating me as if I did something wrong. I was just trying to be cool like them, man.

You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.

But I also think I screwed it up.

Q: What is it called when a hoe is getting ready for her party but doesn't know what to wear but is thinking about it? A: A thotprosses

They toss and turn to the sound of thunder, but I got watermelon to soothe my slumber!

What do the twin towers and genders have in common? They used to be two, but now they're a sensitive subject.