But jokes

Dream tweeted, and I quote, "Babies kick pregnant women all the time, but I do it one time and I’m the one arrested."

I know a good airplane joke, but it would probably go over your heads.

The twin towers: No, it won't.

I know you don’t like rape jokes, but I’m gonna force one on you anyway.

I would roast you but burning trash is bad for the environment.

Why were the twin towers sad?

Because they ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plane.

My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.

"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."

The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"

"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.

"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"

The dick said to the ass, "this place is a shit hole."

The ass replied, "Yes, but you still keep coming."

I'm trying to come up with a set-up for an amputee joke, but I'm stumped.

I was playing Mortal Kombat with my friend when he picked the fighter Pristiano Penaldo. I won and the voice didn't say "Finish him," so I couldn't do a fatality.

I was confused, but I understood that the game didn't let me finish him because he is already finished.

When the school shooter misses you, but you gotta play it off.

😐😑

The depressed kid went to give a tree a high five...

...but it left him hanging.

So my dad said to me and my sister, "Don't fight," but did he mean "fist fight" or "yelling fight?"

Dr. Fauci would be surprised to know that R. Kelly didn't catch COVID-19.

But since COVID is 19, it's too old for him.

Knott and Shott got into a gunfight. Knott was shot and Shott was not. Therefore, it was better to be Shott than Knott. But what if the shot Shott shot didn't hit Knott but Shott? Then the shot Shott shot shot Shott.

The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"

Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.