But jokes

Who comes when an orphan gets married? They are allowed back in family restaurants, but when I go in alone, I'm not allowed. I have some parents, for God's sake!

I would take out the trash, but my mom said you weren't ready!!! XD

I wish I could follow you, though.

But you need an account so I could follow you, but you don't have one. :'(

There is only one reason why I find women useful.

That is because they make sandwiches, but that is about it.

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

I would tell a joke about Kobe, but it wouldn’t really land well.

I would tell you a joke about 9/11, but it would come crashing down on you.

So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"

I never knew what my dad's job was.

One day, at school, I got a scam phone call, later, I got another, and another. I finally had enough and answered the phone, but to make an impact I said "Hello?"

My dad answered...

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy, but Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock because Jill’s real name was Randy.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high, touched Jill's thigh, and said, "I know you wanna."

But silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a kid.

I hate it when couples get into a little fight and they change their Facebook status to "single." I have fights with my parents, but I don't change my Facebook status to "orphan."

I really wasn't planning on going for a run today, but damn, those cops came out of nowhere!

I got a great corona virus joke, but you wouldn’t get it.

I tell a man, "Get me a Glock 19." He comes back with a glove. I was about to shout at him, but then I saw a pistol in his pocket, so I left and thanked him.

I was gonna tell a baby joke, but I had to abort.

What's a snake's favorite subject?

Well, there are two: hisss-tory, but some prefer maths; those weirdos are adders.

I would post a joke, but maybe it's too deadpan.

It’s been a terrible day today. My ex got hit by a bus and died.

Not only this, but the council cut my bus driver's permit!

Okay, One time I there was my dog. But then the dog, it fell.

Then I f**ked my dog hard in the a**.