But jokes

I never touched kids, just women, but since I was famous, they were fine with it.

I know your hairline's pretty bent, but your gender's on a different level.

Some people say I'm rude, but I think I'm pretty nice because the other day I saw this kid crying on the road and I asked him where his parents were. I just love looking at an orphanage.

At 9/11, the people in the Twin Towers ordered pizza. They asked for pepperoni, but instead got plane.

Sorry but, no one asked.

The Twin Towers ordered two pepperoni pizzas, but all they got was plane.

This anorexic girl wanted to fight me. I told her that I would roast her, but she didn't have any meat.

I always ask gay people what LGBTQ means, but I never get a straight answer.

I would tell you a time travel joke, but you did not like it.

Once when I was 6, I had a massive crush on a girl in my grade. She liked me too, and we kissed under a tree.

Next day, same spot, but now she's pregnant. That stupid dad stole my girl!

Little Johnny: Hey, Dad, are you finally back with the milk?

Dad: Yea, but it's expired, so I'm going back to the "milk store" and get more (and not come back for a couple more years). :)

You go up to a bar and say, "Hi." He doesn’t look at you. You keep saying, "Hi." He says, "What?" Then you realize that he is the one that you stole his lady from, but then he doesn’t give you any drink. You say, "Why?" He screams at you and then says, "YOU'RE FIVE!"

Yo mama so fat, that when she fell I didn’t laugh, but damn that sidewalk cracked up. 👋

When you're having a normal day at school, but then...

"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"

Me to an orphan: If you had a penny for everyone who loved you, I don't think you'd have any.

The orphan: But why?

Me: Because if someone loved you, they wouldn't have thrown you out.

Yo mama is so fat that a whole forest grew on her, but it was sad because she really smells, so the forest died.

I took my son to a driver's school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident."

(I gotta go pay him out of jail!)

I could be red, I could be orange, I could be yellow, I could be green, I could be blue, I could be purple, but I would be dead.

I robbed a person in a wheelchair. He cried and said: "You can run, but you can't hide." I ran, and I never saw him again.

I be ready to commit suicide.

But when it comes to jumping out my window, I'm scared ash.