But jokes

I never touched kids, just women, but since I was famous, they were fine with it.

The emo kid tried to give the tree a high five, but the tree left him hanging.

You look good now, but you’d look better hanging from my ceiling. ;)

I gave a tree a high five, but sadly it left me hanging.

Yo mama so fat, when she fell I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

For me, the best part of depression is remaining charming around strangers but saving the misery for the ones who love you.

Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.

OnlyFans, but it’s me smacking your baby daddies with Twisted Tea.

Only Cans.

Can we stop talking about 9/11? My dad died, man, but he was a good pilot.

I was on an orphan's website, but I pressed on his profile and realized he had no home page.

One day my mom told me not to be an actor. I said, "But mommy, I will make a lot of money!"

What goes down but not up?

An emo.

My Grandpa was supposed to be in 9/11, but airport security got him.

When you die, people cry and wish you to come back.

But when you do, people scream and run away.

When you find out the stripper you're banging is a hooker, but you're saving money, so it's okay.

Suicide isn't funny, but you can spice it up by wearing a fun hat.

I was going to post a Kobe Briant joke, but the site crashed.

A woman was sitting alone at a bar, and a man approached her. He asked her why she looked so sad. She responded that her boyfriend had just broken up with her because she was too kinky.

The man expressed his amazement when he admitted that his girlfriend had dumped him because of his fetishes. After a few drinks, they decided to go back to her place.

When they arrived, she told him to make himself comfortable while she freshened up. The man complied. After a long time, she burst open her bedroom door and said, "I hope you're ready!"

She stood in the doorway wearing a latex body suit and a gas mask. She had a whip in one hand, a flogger in the other hand, and a 12-inch strap-on dangling between her thighs.

The dude looked at her and said, "Thanks, but I'm good for the night!"

She said, "I thought you said that you were kinky."

The dude replied, "While you were in there, I f-cked your cat, pissed in your plants, and came on your curtains. It's been fun!"

My buddy and I both wanted to marry a woman who happened to be an amputee.

Sadly, my buddy won her heart, but I got her leg.

Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.

The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men's jobs, and why they were at the beach.

"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do it naked, that's a win-win."

"I'm an accountant," said the second man. "I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same."

The first two men turned to the third, sad man. "What do you do?" they asked.

"I'm a pickpocket," said the third man. "My doctor sent me here."