But jokes

I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.

Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.

Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."

"Really?" asked a little girl.

"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."

  • 0

    • I'd make a joke about corn, but it's too corny.

    Then again, I could make a joke about eyes, but that would be even cornea. My funny bone is broken. I guess it was because those jokes were too humerus.

    Why were the people during 9/11 mad? They ordered 2 sausage pizzas, but instead they got 2 plane pizzas.

    Me: "I came home laughing."

    Parents: "What's wrong?"

    Me: "The teacher asked everyone a question. Luckily, I was the only one who knew."

    Parents: "Good for you, Johnny. What was the fantastic question your teacher gave everyone and only you knew?"

    Me: "Well, it's kinda complicated, but here it goes."

    Parents: "What is it?"

    Me: "Who farted?"

    When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye, but when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, suddenly people lose their shit?

  • 1

    • It ain't always easy having erectile dysfunction, but it sure as hell ain't hard.

  • 0

    • Why were the people in the Twin Towers sad?

    They ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plane.

  • 8

    • So, I got a paper towel roll, ripped it, but started to fart when I ripped it off, and stopped farting when I got it off the roll, and then I said, "I guess that's why it's called ripping one!"

    The undertaker's famous saying is "Rest In Peace" to all of his opponents, but really they don't rest in peace. The only peace they get is from God.

    I had a friend named Mari. Sadly, she did drugs.

    So one day I go up to her and say, “Mari-juana do this???” She later asked me to leave forever... I don’t gnome why, but... it CRACKed me up a bit!!!

  • 1

    • [God creating sharks]

    God: Ok give them 3 rows of teeth.

    Angel: Seems excessive but ok.

    God: And make them mean as hell.

    Angel: WTF y.

    God: BECAUSSE I SAID SO.

    Angel:...

    God: And make one of the types have a hammer for a head.

    Angel: Why do I still work for you?

    God: Because I’m the only employer as of right now.

    So you can't pay rent and you know you're going to get evicted, but all of the sudden you hear a knock on your door and it's your landlord, but he's naked and erect, and on his cock, it says, "Your rent is due."

    A man walks into a skyscraper bar and takes a shot of tequila and jumps out of a window. An onlooker watches this and is scared, but what scared him most is when the same man who jumped came back up again 10 minutes later.

    The onlooker who is amazed asked the man how he was still alive, and the man said with a drunk, slurred voice, “I don’t know, every time I take a shot and jump I float right before I hit the ground!” The man demonstrates and as he said floated down and came back up to the bar. The onlooker says that he must try, slams a shot of tequila and jumps SPLAT!

    The bartender looks at the first man and says, “Your an a**hole when your drunk, Superman.”