But jokes
One day a couple was walking when the man stepped on something hard and squishy, then they heard a sound from the bushes. Instead of looking down, they both ran.
Two years later, they turned on the TV to find Ted Bundy on trial. They asked him if he has ever been caught. He said, "No, but a couple was walking as soon as I killed a girl. I jumped into a bush. They didn't know I was there, but the man stepped on the dead body but didn't look down, then he and his girlfriend ran."
What's the one thing that you don't have but celebrities do?
Lots of fans.
A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street. He thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with, so he called in one of the friends.
The friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." The policeman called in the 2nd friend. The 2nd friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." Confused, the policeman asked, "How is it that when you look into his face you're sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you're sure he is not?"
The 1st friend said, "Well, you see, Joe has 2 assholes." "Are you serious?" the policeman asked. "Oh yes," he replied, "we've never actually seen them, but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, 'Hey, there's Joe with those 2 assholes.'"
I have many jokes about unemployed people, but sadly, none of them seemed to have worked.
When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.
Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!
When somebody says they're depressed (by over-romanticizing their so-called problems) but can't be by your side when you are at your lowest.
Then you know they're faking depression. π
If you know it, you know it.
Unpopular opinion about programming but,
"Uncaught TypeError: Cannot read property 'myUnpopularOpinion' of undefined."
I like sucking the Twin Towers off, but then I forgot dad already finished the job.
You know how sometimes you want to listen to music?
But everything you listen to is just supremely unsatisfying, even if it's songs you usually love; they are just so unappealing, and you have no idea what you actually want to listen to.
I only have 4 moods:
β’ fuck this β’ fuck that β’ fuck me β’ fuck you
I empathize with the above, but I have an additional 4 moods to add:
β’ fuck yeah β’ fuck no β’ fuck my life β’ fuck everything
and don't forget the inevitable
β’ fuck it
and for those who have just given up
β’ fuck
This is beautiful.
Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some mairawanah.
Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "I know you wanna," but dumb-ass Jill forgot her pills, and now they have 12 kids.
I was watching Avengers and I thought I saw a grape, but it was just Thanos.
Two friends are arguing and one friend says, "Jason Warhis is not afraid of water and not ifs, ands, or buts about it."
And the other friend says, "Butt he is."
Want to hear an abortion joke, or any joke for that matter? You have that option, and you can thank your mother for that.
But that's a question that will never be heard by an aborted unborn baby, whose only option was death. And that's no joke.
I told my dad I was self harming. The next day we talked about it and he said, "Hey you should CUT it out." It was funny but I couldn't bring myself to laugh at that.
I was in an argument with a "friend" at school. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
...so I threw a dictionary at him.
What's the difference between a school bus and a cactus?
On the school bus, the pricks are on the inside, but on a cactus, the pricks are on the outside.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I donβt know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
I cleaned my room today. While sweeping under the bed, I heard my mop collide with something. To my surprise, I found Pristiano Penaldo hiding under my bed! My dad said, βDonβt bother sweeping him son, heβs been dusted for years.β I was shocked but not surprised.
Last week, I was on a plane to Manchester when suddenly the plane was hit by a ball. I wondered where it came from, but I soon realized it was none other than Penaldo practicing his free kicks. Shame on you, Penaldo, for almost killing me!