Burning Jokes

If I was an object in this world I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an Ex streamly powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shity book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape but the more they try the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety

Help me....

My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter, as I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set and the entire animal shelter was burned down. A few hours later I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why, I replied "I couldn't find any" She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?

Why did people bully the burning circuit?

It was too short.

*COUGHS ROUGHLY* OH MY GOD IT HURTS SO MUCH I CANT SEE IT BURNS HELP !!! HELP !!! HELP !!! HELP *Weakly* !

never joke about 911 they'll just crash and burn

If someone told me to bring up 9/11. They were trying to make a funny joke but it didnt work. That one really *crashed and burned*

My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

What's an emos favorite way of growing food? The slash and burn tactic

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap

Imagine being named Colby and you burn yourself

Why is my anus burning? Cause I sat on an open lighter oh god help

What is your body like? Soft

I think that church is super burning 🥵

What did Kobe Bryant and Josef Vanicek have in common? They both won a trophy atleast once, Vanicek a 1x stanley cup champion with the Carolina Hurricanes and they also both crashed and burned in a helicopter or airplane.

I don't usually like to tell 9/11 jokes for two reasons~ they're morally wrong, and they tend to crash and burn.

Kobe is a legend and is nothing to joke about wait till you crash and burn

A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."