Birthday jokes
James Bond gives all the ladies he's met the perfect birthday gift: Chlamydia.
A man dies of old age on his 25th birthday. How is this possible?
Answer: He was born on February 29.
For my birthday on September 11th this year, I just want a plane, but delicious, chocolate cake.
Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.
We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.
Girl (on thirteenth birthday): Ma, why did papa leave?
Mother: Well, it started exactly 1 year and 189 days ago...
The orphan turned 18, but he was happy because he didn't have to pay rent to his parents.
Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.
The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"
I never feel offended if my friends don't wish me a happy birthday.
Because that's what I want.
Yo momma is so old, her birthday's expired.
Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...
Happy birthday to you, you look like a ball, can’t fit in my jaws, I try to suck it.
Who gave Jesus his birthday presents every year?
Santa Claus!
I was going to invite your friends to your birthday, but they were all extinct.
I got my son a bike for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair all day crying.
Wanna know something funny? Well, there was this one time when my parents were talking about their marriage.
Then after the wedding, they decided to make a joke, and then 9 months later, I was born. My birthday (4/1/06) April 1, 2006.
A father came to his daughter's 18th birthday. He finally came.
How do you know it’s a gay guy’s birthday?
Depends how hard they blow out the candles.
I got my sister a trampoline for her birthday, but she won’t get out of her wheelchair and use it.
Why is September 11th the best birthday?
Everyone remembers it! :)
My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."