Birthday jokes
What did the 1.8 nanosecond old baby get for his birthday?
Nailed to a puppy falling on a buzz saw being crushed in a hydraulic press while being set on fire.
I got my husband a fridge for his birthday. His face lit up when he opened it.
What did John say to little Timmy? Happy Disable day!
I got a toaster for my birthday and said, "Yay, new bath bomb!"
Parent: My parents never attended my birthdays.
Birthday girl: Oh wow!
Parent: Anyone missing?
Birthday girl: Your parents.
What do Jesus and I have in common?
No one knows my real bday either.
James Bond gives all the ladies he's met the perfect birthday gift: Chlamydia.
It's quite ironic that people tell you "Happy Birthday," then they want to give you a spanking.
When you're born on 4/20/69...
What did Stephen Hawking get for his B-Day?
Chocolate arm.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
When you get suspended from school for giving the deaf kid AirPods for his birthday.
When you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen. When you turn 16, you get a DM from Prince Andrew.
A father came to his daughter's 18th birthday. He finally came.
What do clams do on their birthday? They shell-brate, but they eat all the cake for themselves because they’re shellfish!
What does a bad friend give a blind kid for his birthday?
Give him a gun and tell him it's a hairdryer.
Babe, I'm breaking up with you.
Why? I'm turning 18 tomorrow.
My dad told me a new version of a happy birthday song:
Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too!
No offense to anyone reading this on their birthday.
Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...
Hi 👋 I love you!