Birthday jokes

So I got my sister shampoo for her birthday, and she stood there and threw her wig on the floor.

What did the 1.8 nanosecond old baby get for his birthday?

Nailed to a puppy falling on a buzz saw being crushed in a hydraulic press while being set on fire.

What do Jesus and I have in common?

No one knows my real bday either.

I got a toaster for my birthday and said, "Yay, new bath bomb!"

Parent: My parents never attended my birthdays.

Birthday girl: Oh wow!

Parent: Anyone missing?

Birthday girl: Your parents.

What did John say to little Timmy? Happy Disable day!

James Bond gives all the ladies he's met the perfect birthday gift: Chlamydia.

It's quite ironic that people tell you "Happy Birthday," then they want to give you a spanking.

I got my husband a fridge for his birthday. His face lit up when he opened it.

When you're born on 4/20/69...

What did Stephen Hawking get for his B-Day?

Chocolate arm.

Voting for Hillary because of her political experience is like...

Hiring Hitler as a birthday magician because he made 6,000,000 people disappear.

On my 21st Birthday, my mom told me, "I got a nice birthday present for you. As the son and only child, you're going to get something good, something you've been looking forward to," is what my mom said.

Me, my mom, and my only friend celebrated my Birthday, then we all went to sleep. I woke up the next day. I asked, "Hey, where's my gift you said you got me?" My mom said, "Since your father left us, you have no father figure in your life, so this is your new stepfather." The only thing is, it was my only friend.

So this is how I got divorced.

On my birthday my boss, who was a hot sexy woman who I have always had an eye on her huge ass and tits, wished me happy birthday and took me to her house. She went into the shower and came out dressed and this made me disappointed. But then she stripped off and made my dick go into her pussy and before I could realize I heard her main door creak. And in came my wife, mum, and my 2 kids, 8 years old and 12 years old. Although my wife joined in, she was mad after since that was not my wife, that was my wife's twin sister. Do not know why woman these days are like this!!!!!!!!!!

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”

Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

When you get suspended from school for giving the deaf kid AirPods for his birthday.

What does a bad friend give a blind kid for his birthday?

Give him a gun and tell him it's a hairdryer.

Babe, I'm breaking up with you.

Why? I'm turning 18 tomorrow.

A father came to his daughter's 18th birthday. He finally came.

Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...