Bible jokes

Why can't Jesus walk on water anymore?

Because he has holes in his feet.

Jesus and Moses come back to Earth.

Moses says, "Let's go down to the ocean and see if I can do what I used to when I was here before." So Moses raises his arms and motions to part the waters. Sure enough, he is able to part the waters just as before.

Jesus quips, "Close the water, I'm going to try to do what I used to when I was here last." So Jesus walks out on top of the water, then sinks to the bottom. He crawls out pulling seaweed off of him. Moses says, "Hey, it's not your fault, you didn't have those holes in your feet before."

Why doesn't Jesus buy beer?

Hebrews.

How does Moses make his cup of tea?

He brews it.

Jesus said to his disciples, "Go forth and ye shall receive eternal life." Thomas came fifth, however, so he only got a toaster.

Why is the bible like a penis You get it forced down your throat by a priest

What's the difference between a penis and the bible? Nothing, the priest shoved them both down my throat.

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth, and he got a toaster.

I used to believe everything in the Bible until I read about the Jew giving out the free fish.

Who were the fastest runners ever? Adam and Eve. They were first in the human race.

One day, little Johnny and little Susan were in bible class. Little Susan had been tired that day, so she kept falling asleep. The teacher said to little Susan, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a push pin, and she yelled, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher goes, "That's right, go back to bed." Then, the next thing the teacher asked was, "Who gave up their son for our sins?" Little Johnny poked her again, and she yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher says, "That's right, go back to bed." The next question the teacher asked was, "What did Adam say to Eve after their 13th child?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt again. She yelled, "If you stick that thing in me again, I am going to break it in half and shove it up your own ass and see how you like it!"

Did Jesus cut his nails?

No! His nails cut through him.

Why do you think after death the angel says do not be afraid?

Search up biblically accurate angels.

Your hairline goes so far back that it had dinner with Jesus.

What's the difference between Jesus and a holy whore?

Jesus got pegged against a cross.

What did Adam say when he saw Eve?

Answer: "Woman!"

How does Jesus whistle?

By blowing through the holes in his hands.

Did Jesus die a virgin?

Of course not, he got nailed before he died!

I believe everything in the Bible until I read about the Jew giving out the free fish.

A hunter shot holes into his favorite book.

When confronted, he said it was the "holey" Bible!