Being jokes
Technoblade be doing skyblock in heaven now.
Why can't dwarfs be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium and you’re being a respectful friend.
But do it at home and you’re destroying evidence.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
My favorite toast for parties:
May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.
What is the hardest part about being a pedophile? Fitting in.
If Chuck Norris was a Spartan in the movie 300, the movie would be called 1.
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
You'd think it'd be R, but really his heart will always belong to the C.
If a crippled man told stories about himself, would that be called VeggieTales?
A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and says, "Who the fuck's been fucking my wife?" The room goes silent. The guy in the back finishes his beer and says, "You ain't got enough bullets."
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”
She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."
Dad: "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?"
Tommy: "Yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!"
My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.
Being an orphan isn't all bad. On the bright side, all your snacks are family-sized.
English is weird. It can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.
If you watch "Jaws" backward, it will be a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Most states:
"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."
Alabama:
"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."
When I grow up, I wanna be like Lil Peep... Dead.
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.