Bar Jokes

Say "I'm a man" after every sentence.

You walk into a bar. (I'm a man.) You find a girl. (I'm a man.) You take her home. (I'm a man.) She whispers in your ear. (I'm a man.)

I am a reverse rapper because I put bars in my mouth.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender said, "Why the long face?"

Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer, but they only had 2 dollars each.

Christopher got an idea and ran away to the butcher to see if he could get something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.

"Are you crazy?!" said Tony to Christopher. "We don't have any money!"

"Take it easy now," said Christopher. "I have a plan."

When they finished drinking everything up, Christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth.

The bartender saw what they did and threw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub.

After the 10th pub, Tony said: "I can't do this anymore. I am drunk, and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk."

"How do you think I feel?" said Christopher, exhausted. "I dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub!"

A man walks into a bar, and there is a line of people waiting to punch him.

Yeah, that was the punchline.

Do you know what is good about being an orphan?

Every candy bar is family sized.

James Bond: Vodka martini.

Bartender: Shaken, not stirred.

James Bond: Do I look like I give a damn?

Why did the prisoner run away?

To spit bars.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron."

The other asks, "Are you sure?"

"Yes," the first says, "I'm positive!"

A burger walks into a bar and says, "Hi sir, can I have a glass of water?"

And the waiter says, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve food here."

I was at a bar. The girl said, "Sex, sex, free sex tonight," when she really said, "663629."

"A llahu Aks into a bar..."

And it blows up!

Why do rappers love the gym?

'Cause they're all about them heavy bars.

Two men walk into a bar, no clue how they didn't see it.

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.

No joke!

The warden is stronger than the ender dragon, but WHY IS IT NOT A BOSS?

(Doesn't have boss bar.)

A lady walked into a bar and ordered their special drink. The bartender then gave her a brown glass full of milk. The lady complained about this, but then the bartender said, "Just shut up and swallow!"

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before, what can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "Can I have a drink of H2O?" Then the second says, "Can I have a drink of H2O2?" and he dies.

A gay couple walks into a Muslim bar. The tender flares up and says, “let me guess, a little blood on the rocks?”