What has a heart but no organs?
A deck of cards!
I'm glad Stephen Hawking died because he was wheely wheely bad.
What has 5 legs, 3 arms and 7 feet? The finish line at the marathon bombing.
I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun... Then it dawned on me.
Guys, I'm sorry about these bad puns. I should've kept my big Meowth shut.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
What's grey and can't fly?
A parking lot.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"
Friends are like penguins.
If you stab a penguin, they die.
What's white and can't climb a tree?
A refrigerator.
Why are orphans so bad at baseball?
They can never make it home.
What is blue but smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
A man (Ameenya Sheed) texts another man (Bob) and said,
"Hi, I'm Ameenya Sheed."
Bob: "You're not in my shed because I don't have one, but I have a garage. I don't think you're in there."
What did the man say to the woman? "Make me a sandwich."
What happened to the man who made too many bad jokes? He served out a cruel and unusual PUNishment.
Why did the baseball player get arrested? He tried to steal third.
Why did Vladimir Putin get bad grades? -- Because he was Russian.
A man tried to attack me with milk and cheese—how dairy!
What do you call an asian kid who's bad at math?
An orphan.
Why would hunting a bald eagle in America be a bad idea?
Because it's ill-eagle.
