You ever look back at your ex and are like, "Wow! What was I thinking?"
Then I start to think I was the problem :(
Just kidding, fuck that asshole!
I think Abraham Lincoln was gay because a guy shot from behind.
Yoo! I found a $100 bill, found a child who said they lost their $100 bill. Gave them $25.
When God gives you glory, you give it back.
My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.
Your hairline is so far back that not even Tom Brady could throw that far.
Died and came back sped. I call that rien-tardation.
"2001 just called and they want their towers back."
Your hairline is so far back that if you wore yellow, people would think you were One Punch Man.
Your forehead and your hairline must be great friends, because they go way back.
What's the difference between a baseball game and an orphan?
There's a home to go back to.
Doctors in the Middle Ages, Plague doctor: "I must have some herbs to block out bad air."
Doctors now: "God, WTF were we doing back then?"
Your hairline sucks; even Harry Potter could not put it under a spell to turn it back to order.