Baby jokes
What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make noise when you throw them.
Q: What is the difference between a pizza and a baby?
A: The pizza does not scream when you put it in the oven.
Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant all her friends touch her stomach and say “congrats,” but none of them touch the man’s penis and say “well done?”
Repost
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because its uncles were all aunts!
What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
Sum Ting Wong.
What's the similarity between a 14-year-old girl and the fetus inside her?
They're both thinking, "Oh fuck, mom is gonna kill me!"
Hey, I broke up with your girl.
-Me: What? Why?
Wait, what?
-Me: You f**ked her, so it's your baby.
What do you call a baby with red curry fried hair?
A baby using a potato peeler and a comb.
How do you fit 1000 babies in a swimming pool?
A blender.
How do you get them out? Slurp them up with a straw.
What is a failed abortion? Annabelle.
One day, Billy's teacher asked him, "I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"
Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."
"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"
"Maybe it was a tricycle."
"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
The teacher grabbed Billy and escorted him to the principal's office and explained what happened. The principal looked sternly at Billy and said, "Stop lying, Billy. You know your mom didn't have a bicycle or a tricycle. What did your mother have?"
Billy looked up, fear in his eyes and said, "Well, maybe she had a go-cart."
That was more than enough. "I'm calling your mother right now!"
Soon, Billy's mother arrived at the principal's office. "It seems that Billy has decided to start telling lies. His teacher asked him what you recently had, and he said a bicycle, then a tricycle, then a go-cart!"
Billy's mother teared up, and through her sobs, replied to the principal and teacher, "No. Sadly, I had a miscarriage."
Billy sat up straight and said, "I KNEW that damn thing had wheels!"
Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.
1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.
2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.
5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!
7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!
9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!
10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!
What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree?
My dick while I'm doing it.
Why are lamps so scared? Because someone might throw them away.
What kind of ankle are you? A broken ankle.
"Herishy, me lava u, why did u leave mee? Wahh wahh baby sharka, doodle do to to babyyy cutie pie..."
If babies stay in their mothers for 9 months, are they not 9 months old when they are born?
Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first? So you can see the look on its face as you climax.
How are babies and watermelons similar?
They are both fun to smash open with a sledgehammer and eat the insides.
How do Chinese people name their baby? They throw pots down the stairs: bing bong ching chong.