Asked jokes

I got my job at a bank and lost the job the day I got it. A lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her!

A train walks into a bar. It says to the barkeeper, "I'll have a gallon of ale."

"A gallon?" the barkeeper asks.

"Yes," replies the train, "I always end up chugging it."

"I want to know who this fake me is! I haven't even posted or commented on anything bad or said a curse. I am very kindly asking you to stop."

Q: My dad woke up one morning about to go to work, but he was still really tired, so he decided the quickest way to wake him up was to slap him in the face.

So he asked me to do it, but I guess I don't know my own strength, and so he went back to sleep again...

I asked my teacher if I needed to be in the special ED class, but she said I don’t eat enough vegetables.

I went up to an orphan and asked where their parents were--they stared.

Everyone makes mistakes. Just ask your parents.

I saw a little kid cry. I went up to him and asked where his parents were. Jeez, I love working at the orphanage!

I feel weird to ask this, but can anyone guess my real name?

#Imbored

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

The coach yelled at me when I stole home. I ran home with the base and asked him where to put it.

My friend asked for something dark and creamy. I said..... "GU KHA".

I asked my friend, "Hey, did you get a haircut?" and she said, "No." Then I'm like, "Really? Then why are you bald today?"

A man walks into an AA meeting and asks for a roadmap.

I asked my mom if I could be Wednesday (from the Addams family). She said no. She said I would look creepy and weird. She said I HAVE TO BE SOMETHING CUTE. The outfit looked ridiculous. Everyone else looked spooky except for me ;-;.

One day, a chemistry teacher asked his student, whose name is Raj, "What is the chemical formula of water?"

The Raj replied, "HIJKLMNO."

The teacher asked, "What is this rubbish?"

The Raj replied, "Yesterday, you taught the chemical formula of water is H2O."

I was asked to give a bicycle joke, but I couldn't...

I was two tired.

“Which tool,” Andrea Bocelli asks Chris Doemges, “fits best in the mailbox?”

Doemges: “Probably the flathead screwdriver!”

How do you stun a Scotsman?

Ask them to say "purple burglar alarm".

My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.