Asked jokes

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.

"Don't you mean a martini?" asks the bartender.

The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for one!"

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!”

George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!”

Bill Clinton asks excitedly: “Do we have time?”

A guy entered a library and wanted to get some books to read. He was searching across the books, and the librarian asked him,

Librarian: What are you looking for?

Man: I am looking for a book!

Librarian: Which book?

Man: Facebook.

Mary has a house near a forest. She lives with her bro, and she once asked, "How many trees are there?" Her bro said: "I don't know." She said: "Tree."

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."

Two fish in a bowl. First fish asks, "Haven't I seen you around here before?"

The second fish replies, "F**k me, a talking fish!"

"I hear you asking, 'What's your favorite instrument?' The Trombone."

Yo mama's so poor that when I was walking down the street, I saw her kicking the trash can, and I asked, "What are you doing?" She said, "I'm moving!"

Yo mama so fat when someone asked her to touch her chin, she asked, "Which one?"

I was asked to design a website for an orphanage, so I decided to design it without the home page.

I thought a waitress said to me, "You're good looking." In fact, she was asking if I'd like some pudding.

I asked a European what do you call Karens in your country? He said, "American women."

Me when people ask how old my girlfriends are:

"There's 2, there're 4, there're 6, there're 8."

I think about my life, and then I think about death. I prefer death. If you ask me, life is just a time when you die. Basically, death is life, meaningless 0-0.

Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."

*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"

Can I ask you a question? Nut now!

A friend asked what an acorn is.

I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”