Asked jokes

Jeff asks, "Did you hear about the guy they call the flash?"

Bob responds, "No, I haven't. Do they call him that because he runs fast?"

Jeff replies, "Nah, they call him that because he doesn't wear pants."

A very rich and famous comedian walked into a Russian bar and asked for a vodka, but the bar man (a big fan of his) answered to him: - "This vodka isn't good enough for you." - "If it is good enough for you it is good enough for me!"

We asked our teacher many times for an atlas, and he said, "At last, you can have one!"

A 13 year old girl is having a sleepover. One of her friends asks, "When was the last time you had an orgasm?" She replies, "3 days ago." Dad comes bursting in, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"

I once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, "They're all dead hookers once they're in the trunk."

He told me that he was in a wheelchair, and I asked, "Oh, wheely?"

My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.

There were three Indians that got kicked out of the tribe.

One said, "Me find food," and he came back with a decent size rabbit. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see rabbit, me shoot rabbit, and rabbit fall down dead."

The 2nd Indian, "Me find food." He came back with a good sized deer. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see deer, me shoot deer, deer fall down dead."

The third Indian said, "Me find food." He came back crawling, missing a leg and an arm, and he was all cut up. The others asked what happened. He said, "Me see train, me shoot train, train no stop!"

Which sex position produces the ugliest children?

Go ask your mother.

I was asked to give a bicycle joke, but I couldn't...

I was two tired.

I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked.

"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.

"Boxing?"

"No, ... hurdles."

Three Vulcans walk into a bar.

The bartender asks the first Vulcan, "Y'all want a drink?" The first Vulcan says, "I don't know."

The bartender asks the second Vulcan, "Y'all want a drink?" The second Vulcan says, "I don't know."

The bartender asks Spock, "Y'all want a drink?" Spock says, "Yes."

Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby."

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.

Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

"Lazy."

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"

God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."