Army jokes
My dad never came back with the milk. My mom told me he's in the army.
Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.
Me: Cool, what rank of officer?
Jim: SS.
Me:...
Chuck Norris didn't join the army, the army joined Chuck Norris.
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender could squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time, weight lifters, lumberjacks, men in the Army, and etc. But still, nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay," and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS."
Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exercise. They got up into the air and Jim said, "Okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want." Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, "I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire." Allyn said "What?" as he looked over at Jim.
Did you know my grandpa was in WW2? He killed Hitler.
What did the Army soldier say after he got his legs fixed?
Afgan-I-Stand.
Two atom soldiers are fighting against an army. One gets shot. He cried out, "I'm hit! I think I've lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" asks the other.
"I'm positive!"
Don't make Iran jokes. My mom died by a rocket launcher. She was the best sharp shooter in the Iranian army.
*Loud explosion inside the tank* "Where's the commander?" "He's gone." "Where has he gone?" "All over the place."
When the US Army found Chinese soldiers selling secrets to China, they said, "Looks like we have some chinks in our armor."
Where does Caesar keep his armies?
Up his sleavies.
Why did the Drill Sergeant get in trouble?
He got caught playing with his Privates!
Gay people would suck at war.
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special forces.
How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? They marched in backwards and the Polish people thought they were leaving.
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special forces.
Why didn’t Harry Potter use the chamber to teach Dumbledore’s army?
Because at one point poisonous gases were put in it.
What do you call an army of disabled people?
Special forces.
So, some ants in a colony go to war. They want some more troops and know that there are ants that went to wars as well. They call them war-ants.
They start barging into homes to search for more war-ants. They barge into a home, and the lady-ant goes, "Hey, why are you here? Can you please leave?" One of the ants replies with, "I'm sorry, but unless you have a war-ant, we have to keep searching your house."