Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”

roses are dead, violets are dead, I am a bad gardener.

What is the similarity between a joke and food?

Some people just don’t get them!

What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.

One day I came home from school and said to my dad ‘I got expelled from school today’ he said ’ how’ I said I threw my book at the teacher’ he asked why’ I told him we were doing an anti-bullying program and my teacher said words can’t hurt me so I threw my dictionary at her. ’

Why did little sally fall of the swings? Because she had no arms What did sally get for Christmas? Gloves! Only joking…she still hasn’t opened the box

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Immigration jokes just cross the line.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? – A stick.

What do you call a joke without a punchline?

What do you call a high school student? Alone and depressed.

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

you can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For example, if she’s holding a gun, she’s probably angry.

You know what I saw today?

Everything I looked at.

What is the difference between a suicidal person and you? None you are both dead on the inside.

What do you call a cross between a gorilla and a monkey? – A cross.

Jason: Did you hear about the storm-trooper who attempted suicide? Dave: No. Jason: Well, he hit his first target.

What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?

They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

Why are ant colonies very healthy? Because they have lots of anti-bodies.

What’s green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels

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