ANS jokes
How many times does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Tentacles!
A lady weightlifter goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a confession." The doctor asks, "What is that?" She replies, "I've been using steroids and....I think I've grown a penis." The doctor looks at her and asks, "Anabolic?" There's an awkward silence then she replies, "No, just a penis."
Mom: You need to grow up. You're so immature.
Me: *glares* Get out of my castle....
Mom: It's a pillow fort.
Me: Why can't I have an imagination! ?
Mom: You're almost 19 years old.
Me: Not good enough... OUT!
What's the difference between an aborted fetus and an upside-down bar stool? An upside-down bar stool can only pleasure 4 men.
What do you say after you throw an egg at someone? "Yolks on you!"
My favorite toast for parties: May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.
How do you think the unthinkable? With an iceberg.
How can you tell an anti-vaccine kid?
It's only got 10 hours to live.
Yo mama so fat when she asked for a bathtub, they put a blanket over an ocean!
How does an apple fall from a tree?
I don't know, ask Sir Isaac Newton!
What does an apple and a gay person have in common?
Both fruits hang in trees out in the Middle East.
A guy in a Costco was pretty pissed off at something. A guy walks up to him and says, "What's wrong, pal? Don't worry, it's not like you're on an abandoned aisle!"
What do you call a flying octopus?
An octocopter! 🚁
Why did the ox get kicked out of the herd?
Because it wasn't being an ox, it was being a butt-ox...!
if an atom makes up everything im still suprised how it made ur mom
A guy was annoyed in a store. I walk up to him and said, "What's wrong, buddy? Don't worry, it's not like you're on an abandoned isle!"
A man walks into a bar with an alligator and a stick. He walks up to the bartender and offers to put on a show for the bar's patrons in exchange for a drink. The bartender agrees, so he pulls down his pants, sticks his dick in the alligator's mouth, and starts whacking it with the stick. After he's done and gets his drink, he asks if anyone else would like a go.
A lady gets up and says yes, she would like a go, asks that he doesn't hit her with the stick.
A man and a woman are watching clouds together. The man says, “Hey, that one looks like a giraffe!” The woman agrees and says, “That one looks like an elephant!” The man sits up and says, “That one looks like a mushroom.”
What is an astronaut's favorite color? Zoo.
Stephen Hawking got an engine swap with a Nissan 350Z, and they said his wheelchair wasn't street legal :/